I am in my late 30s. Live alone. Without a job. Struggle to make ends meet. With no friends. No relationship. And live 1000s of miles away from my family. I went to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. Instead I started to sob, literally. I started to think how my life has become meaningless and has been wasted for nothing. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks and a hint of OCD, as well as deep depression. I have the fear of failing and of being judged, so I avoid doing anything or talk to anyone unnecessarily. I don't stand to myself. I have a defeated spirit, which feeds my depression even more.

I wasn't like this. Until recently, I was fighting for myself. Trying to take my place in the world. Going out to the cinema by myself when no one accepts to go out with me. Walk in the city between people alone. Trying to have fun. But then, in the last 5 years something fundamentally has changed. I believe it has to do with shattering my belief system which I was relying on in my difficult and lonely times. This has set the misery in motion. Suddenly, I found myself alone. Abandoned. I have never been sociable which I believe has to do with the abuse I was subjected to, but I wasn't deeply depressed when I was let down and avoided by others. I have always been socially awkward. But I was comforted by the scriptures. Now, I have no one to console me. People are cold and I can see their judgement in their eyes, and hear it in their silence.

The past abuse started to re-surface again gradually with my struggle to find a job with my complete social isolation. I have become angry, depressed, anxious, indignant, bitter, and feeling guilty. My father is a master in making me feel guilty. He taught me this from a young age. Until this day, if I send him a text and he doesn't reply withing 10 minutes, I assume he is mad at me, and I start to feel depressed and guilty. These emotions are destroying me. I cannot even tap on the resources available to me to find a job properly. I am afraid to be told I am inadequate. I tried some resources, but I quit them because I felt I will never find a job because I didn't see any real change for 4 months, and I was overwhelmed by the assignments and obligations and workshops and training .... When I sent the trainer I made a mistake and would like to return to the training if possible, she didn't reply to me. I don't blame her. I wasn't patient.

But in general I am not being taken seriously because of my anxiety and depression and low self-esteem. A few weeks ago I had a panic attack. It was my first. So, I didn't know what it was, but I felt like dying and throat was closing. I went to the ER, and after waiting for 9 hours, the doctor who saw me took me lightly because I already felt better by the time I saw her, and she was trying to find any conflicting words in what I say. I felt she was thinking I was lying!! After I left I went to a walk-in clinic, and the doctor told me it sounds like a panic attack, and prescribed me some medications to relax.

This is my story. The story of a meaningless and painful existence. What also pains me is how I think my parents feel, and they are old now. They probably would love to see me married and settled and see their grandchildren before they pass away, but I don't see that happening I am ruined forever, and lost my battles and desire to live and be better. And I feel guilty about that. Depressed guilty because not just my life has been wasted for nothing, but theirs as well. I feel I wasted their efforts. But I partly blame them for my situation and theirs, because they created this socially awkward immature person who is weak and inept for this jungle life because of their tough and strict over protection and stubbornness.