Last session with T (two weeks ago) I was very moody and he was a bit flustered we also knew he would be out of town so it would be two weeks before I saw him again instead of one. We ended up looking at pictures on T’s phone. It was relaxed and just bonding type time and I had mentioned earlier that the best thing a former T did for me was to show me T’s were human. So, therapeutically it made sense too as it let me see he is just a normal person. T is a pretty typical guy so mostly it was cars but there were a few other pictures in there as well. One was of his granddaughter standing on his lap. That was what stuck with me after session, T’s granddaughter standing on his lap.
Previously T and I had talked about how, as an infant, I was left in my crib and fed and changed on a schedule. Family members were not to touch me or remove me from the crib because supposedly I would just start screaming. T was visibly upset about this and talked about the infants need to bond and interact with its caregivers. About the time T started talking about an infants need for skin to skin contact I started getting too uncomfortable and started seeing T as dangerous. T saw the shift and asked if we needed to stop and I agreed. As part of helping me settle down and ground T reached out and put his hand over mine which felt extremely supportive, nurturing and positive.
So, last session seeing T with his granddaughter on his lap and both of them happy struck me. My mind started going back and forth between that image and the image of me alone in the crib. All week I was bouncing back and forth between the pictures. I also talked to my maternal aunt and got more info on my infancy. Next session I wanted to ask to sit on the floor in the corner with the picture T drew of me alone in the crib and the picture of T with his granddaughter. T is really big on having as much support around me as possible so I made a replica of my baby blanket so that infant me would have the only thing she had bonded to. I was excited that T and I would be able to process some of that because I was just stuck, confused, flipping back and forth between the pictures.
All was good until the night before last when I had a dream about T. I was back in high school and in the dream my high school English teacher Was T’s wife. My English teacher was the one who recognized something was very wrong and started things moving to get me to see my first T. First T was a disaster other than being the one to show me that T’s are just normal people outside of the office. Anyway, in the dream high school me ended up with current T and current T was trying to connect with me. I woke up before he could connect with high school me. I was afraid of men at that time so it makes sense that someone would have to push me to T and that it would be hard for him to connect.
Well, once I woke up the whole feeling around T working with infant me changed. I am ambivalent to dissociative about asking for what I needed to work with infant me. I want to be in chairs high above the infant, the feelings and walled off from T (there are arms on the chairs). I don’t really want to bring the blanket in either. I did email T and let him know about the shift but not the dream as I am not sure if it is connected or not.
I don’t know what shifted or how to get back to that space so that T and I can work with infant me.
Other than letting T know (which I already have) does anyone have thoughts suggestions I why it shifted when I was so excited or how to get back to the space where it feels OK again???