Hello...

Today is one of those days. **** after **** piling up inside my head.

Its probably gonna be a long post.

I am not on antidepreassant nor seing a therapist right now.

I feel so extremely worthless and that no one cares about me. Nor anyone will ever love me. I am 27 year old guy btw

In my childhood things were OK (I think) uptil I was around 12 and my parents had huge drinking problems. I was frequently taken out of my home by social services but got to return. In the house it was always covered over. I did everything I couls to not let anyone know that my parents has such problems.

I was never physically abused. But it was an extremely bad situation at home. My mom has deep mental issues as well. It was extremely unstable and on the verge of being real unsafe.

So. I moved out when I was 18. Needless to say I had no girlfriend or no one except my friends.
I tried getting a gf at age of 17 but pretty much ****ed that up and she left for someone else.

It was a strange situation with my parents. They were such horrible people when drunk but the kindest ever when sober. I tried helping them but 3 years ago my father drank himself to death and I sit with a horrible feeling still of not being there enough.

Anyways. From age of 20-25 involved a lot of working and casual drunken hookups but never led to anything. I so desperatly feel the need of getting close to someone but I somehow **** it up or push them away even when I dont want to push them.

I tried dating a new girl last summer. This is the best friend of my bestfriends girlfriend. We dated for 4 months. I was getting real attracted and attached and of course she ran away with someone else. I was completely shattered. Yet again someone runs away.

I started dating again a new girl in april. Two dates in she says she still is hooked onto her past and dont want to date. Fair enough but still left me feeling like ****.

Now I am sitting here alone again just watching tv and dont feel like I have anything. My head is boiling yet feels so empty.

I am just so tired. So extremely tired of being abandomed and left to fend for myself like I have all my life.

Still I have not completely given up yet.

Funny thing is that I am a fairly succesfull guy.

My economy is fairly ok. I have education. I own my own house (actually I bought my parents house when my father died.)
I have full time job, I have hobbies and I work out every morning and I have lots of friends.

I just wish I could have someone I could get close to. Who could love me for me. I am not saying I am looking for a gf to fix me or my problems but I get extremely lonely never having someone to talk to. I have no one left in my family except my 1 sister. My two uncles who I connected with are dead. All grandparents dead. I had a cousin eho was like "a second father" to me who I could open up to died 4 months ago in an accident.

Sorry I am just rambling on here but what actually caused this was that I was with a friend today helping him and he said that they were having a couples party thing later with that girl I used to date and her new bf. He said I could come but what the hell am I supposed to do there. Sit there like this lonely hopeless guy getting drunk watching them making out?

This just made me angry and sad and I had problems coping with all them heavy feelings of worthlesness and loneliness coming back up so I thought Id unwind here.

Thanks for taking the time to read.