I have to admit from my history I do desperately seek a caretaker to fulfill that black empty whole within my soul to try and repair the damage done. No amount of my adult self taking are of all the other younger parts is going to repair that. I do not want to take care of myself anymore. That is all I have ever done. I tried to fullful that need with lots of men and giving my body away to get it. I think that is what I am doing with therapy but I do not understand since my mother was the psychological torturer so would I not be looking for a mommy surrogate? I had a step father that was an abuser so I do not understand seeking solace and a caretaker from a male therapist. No I do not want to be like this anymore but I do not know how to ease this searing pain and need that is in me. Leaving therapy and going cold turkey is not an options as I become severely depressed and that dark could of hating being alive just seeps back in.

I just do not know how to heal anymore and my therapist is trying the modalities he thinks is going to bring me to a higher level of healing. Who knows what is right or wrong. I try though I really try in therapy. I have even had days of feeling great but that is with knowing he is there for me.

This has turned into a rant from a part that is not my best adult self.