Quote:
Originally Posted by Iamclockwork
Hello, it's my first post here and I really need an outside opinion on this because as the title suggests, it's a high stakes thing.
I am currently in the US, has been here for 3 months and will leave for EU in 3 months time. My gf who is unemployed and depends on me (for which I am not resentful, even though after about 20 months I made a deal with her that she would just get any job she likes so that she has a modicum of independence) is back home even though she was supposed to come join me.
2 days ago my girlfriends of 2 years out of a blue announced that she'd been raped by a police officer a week prior. I was completely floored, but she provided no information at all, got very defensive and angry at anything I suggested or did. Even the fact that I told my mother who knows her, which to me is the most natural thing to do, just as I would have told her about an accident or any serious issue. She just keeps saying she will deal with that herself and make him pay.
Even though she has done nothing but party, visit friends and just stay home and play games in the meantime. She even talked to me about a prospect of having a baby about 5 days ago.
Just for context - I come from a very wealthy family in which women occupy prominent roles as at least equals to men and they would never even assume to blame anyone for being a victim of an assault. I've already arranged for a family lawyer to contact her and provide guidance as to what to do and say. I also made sure she is going to counseling at once and maybe stay with my family for support. Her response? "don't talk to me", "how could you tell your mother? what will she think of me?!"
Now this is the tough part for me. I have a strong suspicion she is lying to me to cover for something she did or didn't do, my bet now is on her failing to apply for a passport and a visa to join me. She was supposed to have them some time ago but told me a pretty far-fetched thing about there being a flooding that destroyed the whole load of passports. She also said she'd deal with that. (she still doesn't have a passport after another month). And maybe I am mistaken but destruction of the whole bunch of government documents in summer would be just a thing some news outlets might be interested in? But ultimately, despite how shady that looked, it wasn't a big deal. If she doesn't wanna come, I won't make her.
This thing is a whole another beast.
Sorry for rambling. I am just so tired of trying to get to her and am afraid I will be single before monday, but naturally I am hestiant about telling a woman claiming to have suffered rape that I don't believe her, despite my overwhelming suspicion, but if she just went to the police and left a statement, it would be sufficient proof to me that what she said is true. Until then I can only act as if it was. What do you think? Am I off? Is it just how someone who has been assaulted acts? Or am I being taken for a ride?
|
ok.. you are not from the USA so maybe some explaining is in order maybe not. depends on how your country handles such things as rape.
here in the USA no explaining to even a husband is needed nor is a police report needed for proof that someone was raped in order to prove its not a false allegation. here in the USA its no ones business whether one has had consenting or forced sex. and here in the USA people ask before they go telling anyone else that their wife/ or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband has been raped. its just not done here in America.
to give you an example of how your girlfriend feels about you telling your mother. think about the times that you have had sex, now think about what if your girlfriend went to her mother and gave her mother details of what went on in your bed with you. now imagine having to go visit her mother knowing her mother knows about the most private thing you have ever disclosed to your girlfriend inclusing positions, things you have asked for, things you have done together behind closed doors. kind of makes one embarrassed and ashamed. you may not want to ever see or sit across the table from her mother for fear of what she would think about you and what you do behind closed doors.
my point is according to your post and her reaction you didn't ask her permission about something concerning her body and sex....maybe just maybe she is feeling raped all over again because someone took and did what they wanted to rather than asked her to tell others. maybe she is now embarrassed about her body and what others think about her.
false accusation aside a person who has been raped goes through emotions and reactions that are not always understood by others. and so when they tell someone they have been raped that speaks to the fact that they hold high trust in the person that they are telling. then when that person takes that and does what they want to with out permission it does feel like being raped all over again and theres a loss of trust in the person that they told.
my opinion it doesn't matter whether she is telling the truth or not. she told you something that she trusted you to know. she did not ……..have...…… to tell you this. she could have waited for you to come home to her and then you not understand when she didn't want to have sex, was having nightmares and flashbacks, she could have left you wondering if you were doing something wrong she could have continued in physical and emotional pain. But she didn't she cared about you and your relationship together so much you were the one she was trying to turn to, for disclosure and a shoulder.
my suggestion is rather than worrying about whether or not this is a false allegation and you need her to give you proof, maybe look at this as you may have lost her trust when she needed it most. that this very well may be a fact of someone in authority has taken something so beautiful (sex) and used it against her for their own power to inflict pain and heartache on another. and work towards healing yourself with a mental health treatment provider, because rape doesn't just affect the victim. it affects their families as well, then when you go back to EU accept her on what ever grounds she is on at that moment. shes got a very hard road ahead of her and so do you.