I totally understand how you feel. I have had schizoaffective disorder since I was 28 years old and went to medical school. But, I could not finish my training so am left with nothing but debt. I am living near family now and am happier than before. I don't have friends because I choose not to have friends. I don't like to accommodate to others and am fine being alone. I also realized after having recurring psychosis to not think about the future too much. I think about what I have now in my life. I have shelter, clothes, food in my stomach, and my family nearby. I am grateful for the little things in life. I was homeless once and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I now cherish what little I have. I did work for awhile as an English teacher but could not keep it together because of recurring psychosis. I like my solace and enjoy being alone now. I reach to my family when necessary but they are not too understanding about my illness. They really thought I could become a doctor with schizophrenia. I knew in my heart it was not going to be but continued as far as I could for survival purposes. They threatened to abandon me if I quit so, at least, I graduated. But, I could not make it through training and left without anything. So, I did what I had to to survive but it cost me my life almost and much debt. So, my parents were kind and paid my debt, but I cannot take back the time I put into receiving a useless degree. I was bitter for awhile but have come to the conclusion it is my fate. I am not mad at them but realize their ignorance comes from lack of knowledge about my illness. There are many family members now being identified in my family lineage who have schizophrenia. I think now they realize the severity of my illness is nothing to take too lightly. As a result, I know how you feel having nothing but your life in your hands.

I would not feel too much despair when you think of others who are doing much worse and really have literally nothing. I am glad I am in my fifties and my life is coming to an end. So, you are in your thirties and can still do something constructive with your life. Yes, you can marry or find something to do that is productive. Have you thought about peer counseling? I don't know where you are but there are free training programs in my area. I applied but don't think I can manage now since I don't have any transportation and quite frankly I don't like being with other people too much. However, you should look into peer counseling training programs near you. If you can't do this, at least, go to a clubhouse near you and start volunteering there. This will help you do something productive. We all need some purpose to live. My purpose is to survive daily and help my family. I don't know what I will do after my parents die but have a feeling they might outlive me. I am grateful and feel blessed with my family. I know you are thousands miles away from yours so please go to a clubhouse and participate or volunteer. If you can't do this, NAMI support groups near you can be good for you too. Just look up support groups near you and join.

Please don't be sad about your life. You can survive with what you have and it is in your hands to find help near you. If you live outside the USA, you should ask your doctor about support groups near you that you can join.