My parents made everything available to me financially-wise. My father still helps me until now since I am jobless with no income whatsoever, but they have also abused me tremendously. As recent as last year when I moved in with them because of my financial situation, my father berated me and humiliated me in front of my younger siblings. Every time I think of that I get depressed. Sleeping in bed depressed. And this is just one example of how he abused me. That's why I feel guilty. Because of these contradictory things I received from my father. I try not to think about the past to move forward, but these days it's all I think about since I have no distractions.
I like to be alone but no all the time. I would like to find someone to go out with and talk. I would feel I am someone if anyone called me and asked about me. But no, I have to initiate all talks, and ask about others, and even when I ask about them, they don't bother asking how I am doing.
When I was young, my life very much was set for me. What to do, what to say, ... etc. So, I have never developed any real interest, hobby or passion. The closest I got was some interests in theology, but my father didn't like it because he was afraid I would become a priest one day. He wanted me to be a doctor, but when I didn't want to because I cannot deal with bloods, he wanted me to be an engineer. I guess I was trying to please him since he was paying, so, I went to engineering.
All was OK. I thought this is life. So, I was occupied with my studies. Until the end of my doctorate when my belief system which I was cherishing very closely was shattered into pieces, and I fell into deep depression, and I almost quit because of that, but I managed to finish. However I dragged my depression to my first job, and I did poorly, which very much has set my fate professionally so far. Now I have been unemployed for 3 years in the last 5!!
What I would like for myself? Currently, all I wish for is to vanish and disappear. I have never dreamed of anything. As I said my life was set for me, and the next stop for me after I finish my studies was to find a stable job and settle down and have a family and kids, which I haven't reached, and probably never will, because now, I have a very negative view of the world, and I think living in it is just a misery, and bringing children to this world is just perpetuating this misery.
I haven't looked any support group in real life. I tried some meetup groups but I didn't fit. I am not good in seeking help and support, and I feel more comfortable being anonymous. My online experience hasn't been consistent. Some are supportive, some are not so much, even plain judgmental. Sometimes I feel better after I post, sometimes worse.