Are you a fan of the Netflix series, Stranger Things? I am ADDICTED to that series (I want Chief Hopper to become our generation's next Magnum, p.i.)

I can understand your frustration now. When our parents set our paths for us, and punish us with their coercive power when we deviate to what our natural path is (the path we were meant to be on instead of 'their chosen path for us'). Your debilitating depression during your doctorate that carried to your first job, was a side effect of following your parent's path that you didn't even want to be on.

I don't think you need to vanish or disappear. I think what you need, is to reframe your situation. You say you have nothing but that's not true. You followed your parent's path and it failed. Congratulations. You proved to yourself that their path was the WRONG path for you. Now? Now, you are like the Tom Hanks character in Castaway at the end of the film, when he drove to Texas to return that artist's FedEd package; he's standing at those two diverging roads (I won't even quote the Robert Frost poem b/c that would be too corny) and that's where the movie ends, leaving the audience to wonder, "What will that character do?"

You have that opportunity. You don't want to be an engineer. So, don't be one. Do you still have that interest in theology...possibly join a seminary and attend seminary school? That's the advantage of life; if one path crashes and burns, there are other paths to take. Let go of the belief system that there's only one perfect path for everyone in their life. Because that's just not true. Not true at all.

Our parents' generation got married, had ONE career for 30-40 years, bought a house, raised a family, and that was the American dream. Now? Not even close to the same thing. Now, people can change career paths multiple times without any judgement b/c that's the norm. Some of my favorite celebrities were on their parents' enforced life plan paths, until they got off and went on their own. Comedian and actor Robin Williams' father was cruel and horrible and wanted Robin to become a doctor. But Robin went to Juliard to become an actor, did a ton of drugs, and became a famous comedian and actor. Just do an internet search and you can read about how many celebrities were in your shoes, who had parents who tried to force them into the life THEY wanted for those celebrities, but the celebrities rejected their parents and followed their own path.

You have the chance now, to start your life completely over. And you can still find someone, marry, and have children. Hell, Charlie Chaplin was 75 when he became a father. So believe me, you have time! Haha!

FInd a way to remove those self-limitations you've set for yourself. Don't try the methods you've already tried that failed. Try other ways. Explore new avenues to reconnect with yourself, with your interests, your passions, your goals. You still have them, but right now they are being blotted out by your depression and distorted belief that your life was a waste (I believed that about myself and I'm 48, until I realized recently, no my life and my mistakes were not a waste b/c I can start over and that's ok). Write a book. Start a blog. Take a class online. Study a musical instrument. Learn a new language. Just try something different. All you need to do is alter one thing in your routine right now, and that will change your trajectory.

The important thing to remember is not to limit yourself. And not let your past weigh you down. Sounds so cliche and it is. But I can't think of another way to encourage you to let go of your past. I can't change my family and my two siblings will never respect me or treat me the way I want to be treated. When my dad was alive, when I was in 4th grade, at an outdoor BBQ with his friends' and their families in our backyard, I walked by him sitting with his professor cronies, and overheard him talk about how he didn't think I was as smart as my sister and his friends saw my reaction and immediately tried to cover for my dad's demeaning comments, "Oh, he didn't mean that." Um, no, he meant it. So, I know how you feel.

It's good that you found PC b/c this is a great community with a lot of helpful resources and a place where you can post and get support.