I know you didn't mean that. I am just saying in my current state of mind seeing things differently is not optional. People probably think I am lazy or don't want to change, but I have tried many things. I am where I am because of trying and failing for so long. Accepting my past and where I am now are the most difficult parts.

I am still trying. I am applying for jobs. I am taking online courses. I don't think I can do much more now. I have applied probably 1500+ applications worldwide that resulted in very few phone interviews, 1 in-person interview first round, and no offer!! Now my LinkedIn profile doesn't get any views because of how bad my employment history is.

My employment history however is a result of a deeper issue which is social isolation because of my anxiety. I don't hate my field. It's OK. But not having side activities and people in my life, made my life monotonic, boring and meaningless. I was thinking while sitting at my desk working that I will be alone again this night as last night and the night before and the weekend before that. You suggested once to have a roommate, which could help me financially, but although I am not a clean freak, I had issues with others not doing their parts in the past.