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Originally Posted by Nightsong
I was neglected and severely physically assaulted several times as a baby. My dad was charged though he never went to jail because of his mental health. A lot of the physical and mental issues I deal with stem back to this. Stomach issues from being force-fed rotten milk. Personality disorders leading back to attachment issues. FASD. And who knows what effect repeated head injuries have on a 6-month-old child.
The thing is, I feel like... I should feel something about it? Anger? Pain? Self-compassion? Something? But when I think about it, it's in totally emotionless and detached terms. Not even like something that happened to someone else. At least then I'd think "poor kid, that's awful." But I don't even think that. It's just "yeah, that happened. So what?"
I never gave the abuse or my cold reaction to it much thought until now. But as I'm starting to delve into therapy, I can't help feeling like there's something unhealthy there. Like I've never properly dealt with the trauma or its effects on me? But how do you deal with something that happened before memory? I don't know how to begin to approach it.
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We know that physical and emotional abuse causes all kinds of severe trauma to the brain and body in infants, and with the noted head injuries that of course involves perhaps even more damage done to your brain.
Have you ever gotten an MRI to check on the structure of your brain, to make sure everything is good from that perspective, there is always that risk when there is early developmental trauma. That it is not just psychological, but neurophysiological or neurological.
I would also say, that although you cannot remember the trauma itself (I had a repressed memory for 10 years so I have experienced how the brain can try to hide things in your subconscious that still impact your behavior) you can remember the rest of your life. You can sort of wind back the clocks like Steven Hawking, start from the present and then reflect back on patterns of behavior, patterns of cognition and patterns of mood and any major changes that you noticed occurred. I think its safe to say that there were patterns set in motion from that moment on, which you did not have conscious control over, and only now are starting to gain more awareness.
You also must know, that there is NOTHING about you which made you deserve this fate, its not fair that you have to live with the wreckage of the abuse done to you. I have two precious children, and at 6 months old they were unbelieveably precious and beautiful, all babies are. It angers me that children have to endure this, but we have a shot at making the world a better place by looking inward and addressing ourselves.