Seeing backup T certainly isn't the same, but it helps. T said today how now that I'm getting to know her more, maybe I'll look forward to his going away so I could see her. I was just kinda like, "Uh...maybe?" It's definitely better that I'll be seeing someone I've seen a couple times now. But she's not T. She doesn't know me that well, and I don't have the same trust.

I mentioned the writing thing sort of offhandedly today when he was asking me to figure out what I needed from him before he goes out of town. I said I knew maybe he'd forgotten, but that he'd said he could have written a couple sentences of support for when he's away, but that I knew he said last week he wasn't sure what to say. So I was mentioning again before Thursday so he'll have time to think about it. But I said if he didn't feel comfortable with it or wasn't sure what to write, it's OK. I hope he remembers, but I kind of expect him to forget. If so, it's OK.

But I did say I wanted to try to feel connected to him Thursday (which I also felt today) rather than pulling back like I did both last Thursday and the session before he went away the last time. We agreed it was an attempt to protect myself, but the end result was I just felt disconnected to him for a longer stretch of time (those sessions, then while he was away). Like, not dive into some deep topic that would open up something painful, but not just make small talk either. Then again...joking about things makes me feel more connected to him, so I don't know... I think I just want some reassurance right before he goes away.

Is your T still away?