Well, I was in the hospital on 3/11 for attempting to OD. The hospital didn't keep me. I don't remember driving to my T's office or anything else till I was actually there and they let me go after drinking some charcoal.

I had my first appt. today with my T after this episode and when he asked me how I felt, I responded "like a house of cards". I can't deal with any stress or pressure at the moment. Needless to say, my T is concerned about my safety and it was a huge effort to get to his office today without taking some pills.

I am not working, although I was lucky enough to get unemployment. But I only have a few months left before that stops and I am scared of going back to work. As my T told me today, I am more scared of me than anything else.

My promise or word has always meant something. I never give it unless I can keep it. Today, my T wanted a 100% promise that I would make it home. My h has told me if I attempt anything again, he won't be there. He and my son will leave. I couldn't even give my h a promise today, yet my T wanted one. It was either that or deal with crisis intervention and possibly going to the hospital, which my T really thinks is the best option for me at the moment.

All the way home, I cried. I bitterly resented the promise that I had made and wanted to do it so badly. I sent him an email that told him no more promises. He'll have to trust me or I won't show up for appts. so that I am not put in such a position anymore.

I feel so fragile. Just waiting for the deck to fall.



Mary Alice