Some people complain about their friends and talk about the events they all excitedly attend while im almost completely alone while most people are having a great time with people. I wish i could be the center of attention and had that magnetism that drew people in but I obviously dont.

It's just crazy to me. I used to just feel super confident and excited around people I was always doing my best to show off and goof around. I feel like most people avoid me but it could also be maybe i was never as comfortable around people as I thought.

I've noticed I'm always really tense around people I dont know well and sometimes i try to push away people that are rude to me even if they dont realize it. I never get invited out or go anywhere exciting. I've never really gone to a party and those sound like fun but I dont know really anything about parties and google doesnt seem to help.

I wonder if it's because I'm a perfectionist like I need an invite or I have to things by the book but there's no manual to making friends and being a party animal and even if I were to find that book I would be too nervous and anxious to apply any of it.

I've watched so many Youtube videos of people who said "screw anxiety I'm just gonna do what I want" but I cant bring myself to that point I think about it so much I get depressed and when I try I fail so many times I have no energy to continue. I hate saying I give up it's just a daily struggle and sometimes I stop trying so much.

This anxiety is so overwhelming I feel like I've never functioned right in my life.