Hope, maybe one thing to ask yourself: what exactly do you get out of these almost polar cycles of admiring your T and getting intensely upset/running away? It it soothing for your psyche, something that eases your anxiety in some way, more than trying to endure and follow up with one decision and strategy? Or is it just reacting to your momentary feelings and their fluctuations? I guess if it is soothing and it only takes posts on this forum and telling your T, maybe it is not a bad thing, certainly better than messing with important things/relationships in your life. That would be a good use for this forum and therapy, at least when other forms of self-regulation don't work well. But if they are merely impulses and immediate reactions without even recalling very much the many previous cycles (denying the pattern), that is definitely a symptoms that could probably benefit from trying to endure more and change how you handle them.