But that's what therapy is for, no? When I was in therapy, I definitely did not let my vulnerability and chaos show, I more engaged in my usual habit of trying to do everything to appear together and progressing. Of course it did not serve me well - even when I had a good T, I just did not allow him to reach the messed up places. My Ts commented on that feature of being "armored" multiple times, and so did numerous other people in my life. But then what do we pay high $ for?! I also don't think this is a BPD trait at all, maybe more a behavioral pattern of people who learned to be independent and not to trust the environment/other people too early but show resourcefulness and autonomy to the external world. Of course then one will intensely fear that resourcefulness and autonomy to crumble, and others to find out it is not as great as it may seem. But it is much more effective to let the therapists and psychiatrists we pay to see the reality, otherwise everything may just continue to run in circles. I am no longer in therapy and don't plan to be anytime soon, but this is definitely a lesson I have learned from my experiences, both with therapy and just life in general. Also that most people are actually very tolerant and welcoming of vulnerabilities when they are openly acknowledged and not too extreme/causing dishonesty and abuse.

The ones that are not willing to tolerate (vulnerabilities and negative feedback) and adapt at all are usually some of the people who are mentally less healthy. Of course, if you were surrounded (let alone raised!) by people like that, it is likely you will fear it for a very long time. From your posts over time, Hope, I had the impression that you had some very decent people trying to help you and interact with you (I'm just also recalling a pharmacist from a while ago) but, exactly by the virtue of being decent and helpful, these people will inevitably have limits and boundaries. It does sound like you tend to recognize when someone is really okay and is trying to help but get into these cycles of upset when you are facing the normal, healthy limitations coming with it. If this sounds accurate... it is something I relate to, although mostly from the periods of my life when I was drinking heavily and had poor sense of limits and self-control. I know how hard it is to regulate the impulses even though I never really have that issue sober. And it usually comes with intense spells of self-hatred afterward, which can be even worse emotionally than consequences of the actual messed up relationships... I do think it is good to let other people help you and it is the very point of therapy and the job of a mental health provider! For me, in retrospect, it might have helped to see them just as any medical doctor. I go there and pay them to help me figure out my problems and to find solutions I cannot find or have the expertise to apply myself. No need to care for them other than paying them according to mutual agreement. It may be a good idea not to get into extremes with chasing them and being unrealistic with demands - that will naturally alienate even the best meaning and most professional people if it is repeated over and over and over. I don't think psych professionals are immune to that effect.