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*Beth* · Jul 24, 2019, 06:42 PM

I felt it in my gut when I read your post. I can so well understand the dilemma you're in, Dysphoria. Up until last year I was obsessed with ruminating about whether I really had a mental illness or whether I was showing symptoms I due to the environment in which I grew up. I also kept asking and asking if the so-called "symptoms" could possibly be just me...my specific personality.

A couple of years ago I finally connected with a terrific pdoc and an exceptional therapist. (I will mention, btw, that the medical professionals I see are through a clinic. I am on Medicaid, so don't pay for health care.)

First of all, I was told to keep a mood tracker. Wow, did that piss me off. Total waste of time, I thought. But I wanted to feel better. So I did their stupid mood tracker. Well, guess what...when my pdoc and therapist were genuinely helping me out and following my mood tracker with me, I discovered that I really do have mixed state BD. I can see it, and I have finally accepted it.

As for environment...I believe (and reliable research shows) that environment almost always plays a large part in the development of mental illness. Oftentimes, genetics are a part of it all, too.

Since the bottom line is to feel stable enough to be in far less draining emotional pain, well...you already know about medication. I, too, had a disappointing result from Abilify. Although I haven't been on Rexulti I have heard from others with BD that it is an excellent med.

I'm with Christina regarding therapy. I believe it would help you so much.

Also, I want to say that I am 100% sure that you are not lazy.