T Monday. I'd emailed him after our last session (Thursday) to say that I'd felt really disconnected from him in session and that I think it was due to my holding back because he's going out of town next week. In his reply, he'd said that he'd noticed it as well, and it would be best to discuss in person.

T was 6 minutes late to get me, which is unusual for him. He apologized and said he had some sort of "scheduling error" that led him to run over. Went back and sat down. I said I knew we had to discuss some stuff from the email. He asked me to talk about what I was feeling more. I said how I'd felt both disconnected from him and from myself during the last session. And I'd had a similar experience the last session before he went away last time. He said it sounded like I was trying to protect myself. I agreed but said that last time it kind of backfired. Because then it felt like I wasn't connected to him for a longer stretch of time, not just while he was away.

I said I found it interesting that he'd noticed I was disconnected Thursday, too, and asked what he'd observed. T: "I'm concerned you might be offended by this." Me: "OK..." T: "But usually, you're very engaging. Our sessions go by quickly for me. But Thursday, I felt bored. I found that I kept looking at the clock." Me: "Interesting." T: "I didn't say anything because I thought maybe it was me, that I was tired, that I hadn't eaten enough at lunch or something. But then when you sent the email, I realized maybe it wasn't just me."

I said that sounded like a countertransference reaction, that he was reacting to how I was presenting myself. Because I had felt disconnected not just from him but from what I was saying. He said that I was talking about stuff that seemed on topic, so he wasn't sure why he was reacting as he was. And that's why he didn't say anything. I said if he noticed feeling that in the future, could he say something? Me: "I promise not to keep asking you every session if I'm boring you. But if I sense something feels off to me, I might mention it." T: "OK!"

I said I wasn't sure how to avoid the disconnected feeling, that it's not like I wanted to open up some can of worms in the session before he goes away, whether about me or the therapeutic relationship. But I also wouldn't want to do all small talk sort of stuff. He said I should try to figure out what it is that I need from him in that session and let him know. I said I'd think about it. That maybe we needed to spend the last 15 minutes more focused on connection or reassurance or maybe strategies for the next week, I wasn't sure.

Me: "I think I need to just be open about what I'm feeling." T: "OK." Me: "So, OK. Something that I feel awkward talking about. You've said before how having regular therapy sessions seem to help me manage life. So it makes sense that I'd miss them when you're away. But...I'm seeing R (backup T) twice next week, so it's the same number of sessions. So it's clearly not *just* about having therapy. It seems more that I'm going to miss *you* in particular. And, I feel awkward saying that." (I couldn't look at him.)

T: "What do you think it is specifically that you'll miss about me?" Me: "Uh...I tend to have trouble articulating this sort of thing. It's like--I know I told you about this--when ex-MC asked me to tell H why I loved him. Or if someone were to ask me why I love my daughter or a friend. Sorry I keep using the word 'love'... Uh, I guess for what I'd miss from you: feeling safe. Feeling understood." T: "I was thinking of the word 'safe,' too." Me: "Yeah, safe. And I guess...cared for. Though, I mean, I have other people who care about me, too, so..."

Somewhere in there, T referred to the "bond" I had with him. I'm not sure he'd used that particular term before? But it seemed to fit. I said that's part of what made seeing R different. How I know her a bit better now that I've had two sessions with her, and feel more comfortable with her, but it's not like she knows me anywhere near how well he does. T agreed but said now that I've become more comfortable with her, maybe I'll start looking forward to him going away so I'll have a chance to see her. Me: "Uh, maybe!"

Me: "Also...I feel awkward sharing this, too. But...this is like something coming from my child part, I guess. Not that you really do work with parts or anything." T: "I like fried chicken. That comes in parts." Me [kinda laughing, thinking of a part to use--thigh? no. breast? nope!!!]: "Well, my wing part says..." T smiled. Me: "OK, so the adult part of me knows that you deserve a vacation. But it's like the child part of me is thinking, 'No, don't leave me!' I hope that's not too strange of me to share." I glanced at him nervously, and he seemed accepting. T (in a caring tone): "No, not strange." Me: "OK, good."

T: "You did mention in your email, too, that you weren't trying to make me feel guilty for taking time off." Me: "Yeah, because I know intellectually--maybe that's what the adult part is--that you get to have a vacation. That you have a life. And taking time off makes you a better therapist." T: "Self-care." Me: "Yes." T: "LT, you don't need to say all those things to me, like about my deserving a vacation." Me: "Yeah, I know...." T: "I can take care of my own feelings around those things." Me: "Yeah...And I know we need to stop. But I think it helped me to talk about all this." T: "Good!"

We were a little over time, but he'd also gotten me late. Scheduled for when he'd be back. Went over, threw out my pile of tissues from crying, and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Have a good week." Me: "You, too." T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

It definitely helped me to talk about everything, to get some of that stuff out, awkward though it was. And to have him seem so accepting. And, OK, there's also this part of me that feels good that he usually finds me engaging.