I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do. This gets very rough, and I was already raw and uncontrollable in moods going into this all, almost suicidal. Help me think straight, please. I can't feel anything but trapped and depressed and angry at myself.
I have gone back into my parents house for what's supposed to be only a few days, but I can see things are not going to be just that. Mom's losing her mind, Dad's wanting to fix everything but having trouble with anything. Mom already needed a caretaker 24/7 but now it's way worse. She seems like she may have had more strokes, but the doctor today didn't think so. I think it's the GIANT cocktail of meds she's on. In the tiniest example, you shouldn't take nsaids daily, and should certainly not take two different ones multiple times daily. That will destroy your liver. I have to show her the thing she doesn't understand but wants to, in hard evidence, repeatedly, which she then claims to understand but obviously doesn't because she immediately forgets what she was just clarified on. Her heart is in failure, and they are considering doing things to help her life longer, but my terrible thinking wants to know if it's worth it. I wouldn't want that for me. Dad can't take care of her all the time because she's super needy, as anyone who once could walk and then suddenly couldn't would be. That was almost four years ago. I already wasn't sleeping much, if at all, but now it's worse. I can't just up and leave, unless I'm to hitchhike over ten miles home, which is doable. I'm supposed to be helping my sister for a week soon, but she doesn't even know how bad this all is, nor have any clue where I am mentally. I won't be able to do that if I'm still here, which is likely. I'm grateful I don't have meds that would end me, because I'd likely use them. I'm not equipped mentally to do this and they aren't equipped to keep doing this how they've been doing it since I moved out last year into my own place. I feel like I'm caught between a sword and knife and neither will go ahead and do the job. My mental state was already totally bad but now it's getting rapidly worse Add to it all that I'm having flashbacks almost constantly to the really tough times that happened in this house... Being slapped, told I'm worthless, never amount to anything, told nobody will ever love me because of how I am.....
They were right. I am worthless, except when someone wants free labor. I am unlovable, divorce showed me that.
To top it all off, I'm sick. My throat is swollen to the point of making my breath squeak, but I don't feel like I can tell anyone, because, as history has proven, "I'm being overdramatic." It's not a normal sore throat either, the swelling is around and under my Adams apple and it puts pressure from the front. Sometimes, swallowing means it's going to go to that area, and come back up.
I try not to think about everything that's bothering me. I try to be there for others. I ignore myself and try to be selfless. I feel horrible for all the resentments I carry and that I don't think I can do this very long. If you've read all of this, bless you. If you've skimmed, I understand.