I understand the extremes of psychic pain, and my heart goes out to you, Hope. Sometimes the pain is too enormous for a narrative that explains or alleviates it, and that is a scary place be, a place from where it is easy to lash out at the office staff or the doctor . Physical pain is almost easier. I broke my back and leg once. Everyone cared, everyone treated it as a massive emergency, and everyone worried about pain. And yet, emotional pain from childhood is so much worse, but it isnt visible and doesn't elict care the way obvious injuries do. I dont have BPD, but I do struggle with emotional pain that has no easy answer from csa, and that makes me feel a bond with your pain. I hope your PDOC and others who treat you also have a deep awareness of how much suffering you do- who cares what they name it. To me, BPD is a constellation of responses to pain that make it worse by making it harder for others to care and keep caring. You can learn new behaviors so people can keep you better company with your pain.