Had a major car accident a couple of weeks ago, 2 broken ribs and still in pain, though nothing like before. I've been scared to drive again, but finally rented a car the other day, have been doing a little driving, and am gaining a little confidence.

My family is in meltdown mode. As in my mother and brother. My mother has MS and is relegated to an electric wheelchair. She increasingly forgets what meds she's on, more and more cannot advocate for herself in doctor's appointments (she has lots of specialists for various other medical problems), and her paperwork is a total mess. She forgets appointments or gets them wrong. She needs me there more and to take her to all of her specialist appts, instead of only here and there. She lives 1.5 hours from me.

My brother went off on her the other day. He cannot, or will not, control his anger. He has intense and scary outbursts, yells and screams and slams things around. He's tall and has a loud, deep voice, and I think this makes him scarier. He also went off on me the other day because of something absurdly minor. I had told him before that his outbursts scare me, that he needs to stop, so I hung up on him when it started getting really bad. Then we continued on text.

His therapist says it's some sort of PTSD due to issues with our father, step-mother, and ex-wife (though clearly this behavior pre-dates their 'abandoning him' as he puts it, because they did so due to his behavior, which has been called scary and abusive). I don't have a coherent explanation, but I do not think it's PTSD. From what his girlfriend has said, it sounds like his therapist treats him as a victim of all those around him, which is very unhelpful, because that is what he does. It's everyone else's fault. And then when he feels bad about it, he feels like a total failure and gets near suicidal. There's no middle ground. He's very black and white, all or nothing.

My mother calls his behavior 'abusive,' yet she is always making excuses for him. She insists that he behaves as he does because of outside forces, and when I insist that he needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it upsets her. She's always idolized him, he's always been the golden boy. She's caught between his abusive behavior and her need to continue idolizing him. She would never defend me like she does him, but that's a whole different story.

His girlfriend says, amongst other things, that we (my mother, she and I) should allow him to lash out at us because we are his 'safe' people. (!)

I try and set boundaries, which are sorely needed, with my brother and my mother as well, for various reasons. It's been very very difficult.

I need to have another conversation with my boss about missing work due to my mother's appointments. She has several coming up and I'll have to miss work. My brother has always, since I moved here, insisted I be my mother's caretaker because he doesn't have time, for various reasons. It's true that I have a lot more free time than him, and a more flexible work schedule, but it's a lot to put on me alone.

That's a brief summary of a great deal that is going on.

But my primary concern at the moment, is that I have barely slept for the last 2 nights. The first night was before the 'familial meltdown' so, at least initially, it was not due to this. In any case, I only don't sleep when I'm going into an episode and now I'm very scared. I'm considering taking 2 instead of 1 klonopin to sleep. Might do the trick. My hope is that it doesn't make me too drowsy the next day. In any case, if I am, in fact, going into an episode, then I will likely not be drowsy. But if I am able to sleep, then I may be able to head off an episode, which is the goal. I'm scared...

I have an appt with my therapist later today. My next pdoc appt isn't for about another month and a half, but she always insists that if I need her before my next appt, I can make another appt. I'll have to see how things go.

I'm just so scared. I need to hold it together so badly. I'm scared...