Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer
I haven't exactly been tired, yet I have. It's a little hard to explain. I think what I need is for my psychiatrist to finally return from his vacation. I'm thinking a small decrease in my Seroquel XR would help. Even just 50 mg less. I have even been thinking about lowering it myself, but in the past, he has given me a lecture about doing that without notifying him. He wants the chance to veto, if necessary. He did tell me that he would be available by text, in certain circumstances, but I see that option as a very last resort. I don't see my current situation as an emergency. When my psychiatrist returns, I have lots of stuff to tell him. He doesn't even know that my pet died. How on earth would I be able to explain everything in a stupid text needed to justify a med adjustment? Texting is so counter to my whole communication style. I hate it!
My psychiatrist is closer to a parent figure for me than my own father. I need such a person right now. I feel that my actual father is pretty much gone. My siblings and I are likely out of his mind. If not, he is hiding from us and dreads us. I almost never call him, either. This is sad, but I don't want to. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm angry, extremely sad, and have so many other emotions brewing about him. Sometimes I wish he was truly gone. I realize that sounds utterly horrible. It stems from being in a long-term grieving process, but not being able to progress in it.
I have actually been thinking about pets. It is still too soon to adopt a new one, but it is so difficult being home without one. My husband and I are major bird enthusiasts. We've had a parrot at most times for the last 23 years. However, I'm thinking that for me, a cat might be a better next pet. I had a cat in my youth and really loved him. My husband only ever had pet parrots. When we first got married about 23 years ago, I had pushed for a cat, but my husband was so negative about the idea, so we adopted a parrot. Now, the grief of our early losses of our parrots has gotten to me too much. I guess I yearn for a pet that might be a little easier to care for. Maybe a little sturdier, hopefully. Parrots require a lot. When you lose a pet prematurely, even if it was an accident, it's hard not to feel that you were partially responsible. There are also other "pros", in my book, about me having a cat over a bird right now.
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Hi BirdDancer,
I had made a mental note to re-read your post before I'd retired for the night.
You are so good about responding to others!
I hope your pdoc will adjust your meds in a favorable direction.
I can feel your deep sadness (mixed with anger) for your dad. You are in an almost impossible situation. How can you build a healthy relationship with him? You can't, at least not now. What can you do about this? Not much,at all. You have tried and tried some more.
I have mentioned my actively alcoholic dad. He was, at most times, completely out of control with his disease. It had such a hold on him! It was so very sad and, certainly too often, overwhelmingly hopeless. His behaviors were atrocious! There was so much inner confusion and such inner turmoil felt by his loved ones. I can recall the night I was awakened and was told he had passed on. I'd felt an immediate sense of relief.
It was a very confusing feeling. I'd felt guilty for feeling that way for many, many years.
You are truly in a very challenging spot with your dad. You are going to have very mixed feelings. You are feeling the by-products of your dad's disease. I am very sorry, very saddened, that you are going through this. I have some idea of just how extremely confusing and how utterly painful this can feel.
At times, we might feel as though we'd get some resolve and some relief if our loved one did pass on. it's THAT painful.
I know you are still grieving the loss of your pet. Grief seems to be a theme for your emotional life right now. This will change.
You will decide what type of a pet is best for you and your husband. You will then find the perfect one.
My heart goes out to you, BirdDancer!
I know you have the fortitude to find your way through this maze of pain and of loss.. You will heal and you will, in perfect timing, find inner peace and great JOY!!!
