I haven't exactly been tired, yet I have. It's a little hard to explain. I think what I need is for my psychiatrist to finally return from his vacation. I'm thinking a small decrease in my Seroquel XR would help. Even just 50 mg less. I have even been thinking about lowering it myself, but in the past, he has given me a lecture about doing that without notifying him. He wants the chance to veto, if necessary. He did tell me that he would be available by text, in certain circumstances, but I see that option as a very last resort. I don't see my current situation as an emergency. When my psychiatrist returns, I have lots of stuff to tell him. He doesn't even know that my pet died. How on earth would I be able to explain everything in a stupid text needed to justify a med adjustment? Texting is so counter to my whole communication style. I hate it!


My psychiatrist is closer to a parent figure for me than my own father. I need such a person right now. I feel that my actual father is pretty much gone. My siblings and I are likely out of his mind. If not, he is hiding from us and dreads us. I almost never call him, either. This is sad, but I don't want to. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm angry, extremely sad, and have so many other emotions brewing about him. Sometimes I wish he was truly gone. I realize that sounds utterly horrible. It stems from being in a long-term grieving process, but not being able to progress in it.


I have actually been thinking about pets. It is still too soon to adopt a new one, but it is so difficult being home without one. My husband and I are major bird enthusiasts. We've had a parrot at most times for the last 23 years. However, I'm thinking that for me, a cat might be a better next pet. I had a cat in my youth and really loved him. My husband only ever had pet parrots. When we first got married about 23 years ago, I had pushed for a cat, but my husband was so negative about the idea, so we adopted a parrot. Now, the grief of our early losses of our parrots has gotten to me too much. I guess I yearn for a pet that might be a little easier to care for. Maybe a little sturdier, hopefully. Parrots require a lot. When you lose a pet prematurely, even if it was an accident, it's hard not to feel that you were partially responsible. There are also other "pros", in my book, about me having a cat over a bird right now.