Hello,

Warning, this is long. But this 2 part story, I hope will give someone hope when despair consumes you to the point of suicide.

A little background on my experience. Growing up was a painful experience, my mother was an angry woman. She and my dad constantly fought in front of me and my sister. In fact, I can't really think of a positive moment between them. My mother would rage on my father, by calling him names and curse words. A point of clarification here, my mother was not addicted to drugs or alcohol. My mother would throw things at my father, like a bird cage. I think she even killed the birds. This behavior persisted for many years and I remember my sister and I would cry in each other's arms.

When the obvious divorce came at the ripe young age of 13, I had to make a choice of whom I wanted to live with. The choice I made was to live with my father, since I felt he was more rational. I paid the price for that decision, my mother would say the most awful things to me. For instance, I had a brother who died of SIDS, and she stated that she wished I were dead instead of my brother. Needless to say, every time I came back to my father's house, I wept and cried because my mother would tease me incessantly about how I look like my father and how I am like him. I had deep struggles on who I wanted to live with, since my mother constantly alienated me from my father and annihilated my soul with her incessant gripes about me. I was truly lost and my father was aloof and naive to what I was going through. I felt truly sad and isolated.

With time, my mother got her victory. She convinced me that I HATE myself, where I could not even look in a mirror without spitting at the image I saw. I withdrew and an incredible depression developed within me wanting to end my life. I tried many times to end my life, since I felt worthless and not loved by the person who brought me to this Earth. To this day, I feel angry and bitter about my past. This anger manifests itself in my romantic relationships and I get very angry with people close to me. It is as if a ghost possesses me and my real self becomes hidden and out comes this grotesque monster to protect my heart. Luckily, this anger never manifests itself at work, where I have had a steady job.

Inevitably, the destruction of my soul led to many broken relationships and a cynical view of humanity. It is hard for me to trust people and I don't have the luxury of many friends due to that distrust.

Within me, there is a good heart but it is a mangled piece of work. More to come in Part 2.