My S.O. spent the 2 weeks in the nursing home. It did benefit me. I had time to address things I've neglected. Still have more to address.

After having him home now a few days, I am feeling just lousy. And we're not getting along that well. I told him I may not be able to stay with him much longer.

This week coming up I want to see if there's a better quality nursing home that might take a Medicaid patient. I read an article that said the better places tend to have waiting lists. If they have empty beds and no private pay applicants, then they will take a Medicaid patient from their waiting list. There is a non-profit home I want to check on.

I tell myself that an episode of depression blows over eventually. But I am having frequent episodes too close together. I can't let myself keep going downhill. I've told him this. I've told him he could try being nicer. But I'm losing hope that I can keep this arrangement going. There is nothing to sustain me in this situation.

I feel sorry for him. I hated seeing him in this place he was just in. Small, cramped rooms. The bathroom not kept very clean. They never shaved him. Food was crappy. I have to look and see if there's any better option.

I get up to feed him or tend to him.
Then I just go back to bed. I'm not even sleepy. I'm just that depressed. I've lost interest in sitting with him in the living room. I feel like he shows me nothing, other than he is a bottomless pit of need. It's so lonely being here. I don't want to keep living like this. He was supposed to have passed away long ago. But here he is. He could go on for quite a while. I don't think I can take too many months more of this. I wonder how I made it this far. Right now nothing interests me. It's awful.