For various reasons, I had to dress like a girl the last couple of days and I'm kind of emotionally melting down. I have no idea how I managed to do this all the time for so many years. Most likely it's worse now because I've been able to be more myself for a while now and having to go back, even temporarily, is horrible. Everybody around me can't understand why I'm so emotionally on edge and I can't even begin to explain it to them. Most of them still think this is a phase or it's just "bad self-esteem" making me want to present as androgynous or masculine. I can't explain how it almost felt like wearing a clown costume.

The snapchat filter that everybody is playing with that shows how you'd look as a different gender isn't helping. I was already in hate-my-body mode. Sometimes it's not too big a deal, sometimes it can be bad. The filter is just unfortunate timing. I don't want to spoil anybody's fun so I haven't said anything. It's not their fault that I want what I can't have. It still hurts. A lot.

Sorry. Just ignore me. I had to be able to vent a little somewhere.