|
Jul 28, 2019, 02:38 AM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,008
|
|
I apologize for the length of this but it requires a lot of detail. I have a situation that has been a thing for years. My brother S is gay. We always knew it and he came out to me when he was about 16.(he is 14 years younger) I think part of making it easier to come out was because my best friend in the whole world is gay and was very open and up front and out and proud about his sexuality. I met my best friend in college. I had returned after having my son and my friend is 3 years younger than me. My son was 2 so I have been friends with him for 21 years. Everyone talks about their best friends being there for them but he truly has been. He is a part of our family. He was there for the birth of my daughter and is her godfather. I know his family. We have both had our ups and downs with things but never a fight where we didnt speak.
So anyway he is what I think helped my brother feel more secure. My brother had been communicating with him on his own.
I didn't find out about this right away. He did confide in my friend. About 10 years ago my friend and brother and I were next door at my neighbor's house for a late night get together. They are very, very down to earth, blunt, ball busting friends. We always laugh. When I was not at the table my brother S said that my friend C made references to the situation with the karate teacher. It was implied that he may have suggested the relationship was somehow consensual or that it was common knowledge amongst my neighbors when it was not. My brother left. He didnt say anything to me about this happening until 2 years or so after if had occurred. When he told me I felt terrible. He told me this on the weekend we were having a birthday party for my daughter and my mom and him were coming to dinner. My guess is that he didnt want to speak with my friend and knew he would be there. So the day I was told I had a conversation with my friend. My friend was drinking he smoked some weed and...how do i say this without being offensive or misappropriating.. or invalidating.....
(an aside. my experiences with the gay men in my life have all seemed to involve different "stages" I am not saying this is the case for all gay men or people. When I met my friend he would borrow my flower jeans and barrettes and now he identifies as a bear. In between all that he has fluctuated with different styles and identities)
So drinking, smoking weed and I am sure talking very bluntly (he always said he "played" the "fun gay friend role" with my neighbors and would be outrageous for the sake of it).
When I talked to my friend we had a fight. He said he didnt remember and if he was offensive or hurt my brother he wanted to make it right. All he knew is my brother stopped speaking to him and so did my mom. So this is me trying to address something that is two years past and that I wasn't present for or heard.
I cant exactly remember if or how I explained what my friend said to my brother or mom but my brother dismissed it. He said my friend wasn't that drunk, that it was horrible and not funny. He didnt believe that my friend doesnt remember. Of course it was horrible and not funny. But I know my friend would not deliberately try and hurt my brother. I believe my friend was being outrageous and a **** and made assumptions that were completely inappropriate but he was really inebriated so I can see that he wouldnt remember.
I think my brother felt betrayed yet never really told me what he needed from me to help him feel better. I thought the issue was put away and I just did not speak about my friend to him or mention him or anything. Then a few years later it cropped up again and was causing him anger and my mother had us to her house to hash it out. I repeated what my friend had told me and shared that he too was a victim of molestation and that in no way would he minimize or shame or make light of that... at least not knowingly.( or maybe its his terrible way of de-shaming it?) It seemed like my brother was at least accepting of that conversation. I made sure he knew that I believed him. I do not doubt his assault with that F'd up teacher or that my friend said something. But I do believe my friend made a horrible mistake. But he just doesnt believe that it wasn't intentional. I was/am in a bind because I believe both of them. Again, I thought we had at least come to a better understanding.
So my brother is 30 now and My friend just married his partner in July and our family was honored to be a part of his wedding. So I think I talked in general about it and it must have upset my brother. I think it angers him that my friend is happy and that my kids love him and that he is a part of our lives. Last week I sent him an article about a person we went to school with being arrested for
as a teacher and said "me and C used to be really tight with this guy-disgusting". My brother flipped out and blasted me on text. Telling me that if that it's disgusting so is what my friend did. That I do not stand up for him the way he has for me. That he has "half a mind to say something at my daughters' sweet 16 but he won't ruin her party". Lots of stuff like that.
It blind-sided me and I was crying so bad and on and off the whole day. I sent my mother the message and she didnt have much to say. She always says she doesnt want to get in the middle of things but I have always felt like he was the golden child- just a tiny bit. But she agreed we needed to talk.
I answered him by saying sorry for triggering, sorry for hurting but that I would not have a conversation about this over texting. I wanted to see him in person. He didnt get back to me the whole weekend and then finally did. He said he didnt know what the solution was and I said I didnt know that there had to be a solution but could we see each other.
So we met at my moms and sat out back. He reiterated everything but definitely from a more "mature" stand point and he even thought he needed to see a therapist to get over it. I listened and of course cried(because I am an emotional bipolar mess) and said I was sorry for whatever I did or did not do and explained my position. I asked him what should I have done and he didnt really have an answer.
I usually talk on an on and I did not say as much I tried really hard to listen. The conversation sort of just...peetered out and we both had to leave because it was late.
I am so sorry this is so long....
WTF should I have done or do? Am I a horrible person? (please dont say I am actually horrible, I feel really low) Should I just have blasted my friend, ignored everything he said and blocked him? Like I said none of this was brought to anyone's attention for like two years. And then years in between both conversations.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and I promise you I have said and done horrible things while drinking, some I remember and some I dont. I have had to listen to people tell me what I did and make amends for my behavior even when I dont remember it because I still hurt them. My friend wanted to make whatever happened better or "right" but never could. My brother stopped talking to him and I told him to leave my brother alone.
My brother said he knows he has to find peace. He knows now that its been like 10 years with my friend still a part of my life and family's life we cant go back in time. My brother and I are extremely close and if you buy into astrological signs he is a TRUE Aries. That white hot temper and then in a day better clarity. He gets crazy over people hurting his family and I know he would destroy anyone who hurt me or my kids. I have stuck up for my brother with other things but I do not announce it, or throw it back at him. I do not have that white hot quick temper and am more emotional.
I am not even sure what I am asking for here so I guess I will just ask for support and advice with kindness.
Thanks for letting me get this out.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"
President of the no F's given society.
|