Depression really can be quite painful I have found, and sometimes it feels like grief to me, too. Although I guess sometimes when I grieve something it feels like depression, too. I also found I generally felt depressed after having a mixed episode on Lexapro, if that's what it really was. Like my brain and body kind of felt like it had the flu and I was just a little off kilter for a while even though I wasn't in a mixed episode any longer. I however am not dealing with the PTSD you experience so I am sure that affects you in many ways I cannot understand.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you can spend some time with people soon and not be alone too much. Is the meditation retreat still a plan for the future? If so, how are you feeling about that?