*** TW*****

It can be hard to know what your personality is when all you ever remember from childhood is conflicting feelings. You have social norms getting in the way and religion, morals. All kind of things. Example, I started finding women sexually attractive when I was 8 years old probably even younger. It was not acceptable to be gay in the 80's. My family would have abandoned me and I would get made fun of at school. Fast forward to when I was 19. I was still having those thoughts about women but I was engaged to a man and heavy in the church. So then my religion taught me it is not acceptable to be gay. Then I realized it had very little to do with sex because the thought of touching vaginas to me is gross. It was more about wanting a mother figure since it was older women I was attracted to. Where that came from I dont know and because I still struggle with those thoughts and have ever since I was 8. It has been very hard to know what my true personality is as far as being gay. I still dont know. In my 20s I started thinking the most horrible things were funny. I felt this sinister persona come over me and I had heard of DID through the movie Sybil but that was it. I had watched that as a young child. I thought I had to have a drastic change the world could notice and since I never had that it never crossed my mind that I could be DID. I just thought it was a character flaw in me. Then when I was diagnosed DDNOS in 2003 or so I was still told I had to switch dramatically to have any type of Dissociative Disorder. So I abandoned the idea and focused on my OCD but then things started happening. Now I understand that sinister persona is an alter and not a character flaw. I still go through days thinking it might be a character flaw. I'm saying all this to say when you are messed up as a child from whatever you went through it can be hard to know who you are. Then throw DID in the mix and its nearly impossible.