I've had the benefit of gaining strength and courage from this forum before, and now want to give back a little before moving on to building new relationships. My purpose is to encourage those who are going through similar challenges with their spouse or partner by sharing my experience so that they can learn, and potentially make a better decision.

My story begins when my husband (then boyfriend) and I were dating. On our first date, he had already started groping my breasts and body without my consent. When I confronted him about his behavior, telling him that it made me feel uncomfortable and that if he did it again our relationship was through, he responded by suddenly bowing his head, refusing to look at me in the eyes as he blamed me for not saying anything during the groping so it was my fault for not speaking up, and not his. He didn't immediately agree to stop this behavior, either, only becoming defensive and contentious. Hindsight analysis: This behavior shows a lack of respect for boundaries, and his response of blaming others for his behavior is a sign of insecurity. Instead of taking responsibility for one's own mistakes, he projects faults onto others in a vain attempt to keep himself "faultless" and "perfect."

At the time, I did think his behavior was strange, but since he did seem to agree to stop his uncomfortable touching after he wrote a letter to me, and we discussed it further, then I decided to continue our relationship...until the 2nd time he touched my forbidden areas. His explanation was that he can't trust females to advance the relationship, and that if I I told him that areas were forbidden, then what if I decided to ban kissing or hand-holding one day? I responded that although we had fun times together, it seemed that other people would be a better match for both of us, and I wished him the best. As I prepared to end the call, he suddenly said that this isn't a big issue for him, so he would follow my guidelines for touching. He also said that he would not let me go. Hindsight analysis: He clearly crossed my boundaries again, and showed that he was untrustworthy. His excuse for doing so shows insecurity and lack of trust. The sudden capitulation upon faced with my departure means that he's not genuinely interested in my feelings and making sure I feel comfortable - he just wants to avoid a breakup and its consequences over this issue.

I told him that staying together didn't make sense given our different views on relationship development, but he eventually convinced me to stay, and he mostly respected my wishes on touching...until we got engaged. It had only been 3 months since we met online, and since it was a long distance relationship, we didn't see each other that often in person. He had surprised me by proposing to me out of the blue while we were waiting for the subway train after we saw a musical show together. I joked that he didn't even had a ring so it couldn't count. After he got his hands on a ring and went into the traditional pose of getting on one knee, I decided to accept despite my reservations about his questionable behavior. As we kissed to celebrate, his hand traveled down to my crotch. Hindsight analysis: Given the short length of time that we had known each other, and the fact that he was already saying that he loved me on the first date, it was clear that his feelings for me were just an infatuation, not something more. His immediate resumption of his objectionable behavior proves my previous hindsight analysis true.

Hopefully, the hindsight analysis can be helpful because as they say, "Hindsight is 20/20." I can add more analysis as it becomes available so if you find anything helpful, feel free to let me know. For those who see similar signs in your spouse or partner, this may be a wake-up call to do something about the relationship. Otherwise, things most likely will get worse - in my case, I have reason to believe that my husband has a narcissistic personality with antisocial traits. Now we're stuck in the divorce process with a child involved, and other fun things. Still, this was a great learning experience for me, and I think it has made me a stronger person. Here's to looking forward to whatever the future brings…