Session Thursday, last one before T's vacation. He was wearing his glasses, which always throws me a bit (he typically wears contacts). Went back and sat down.

Spent the first 25 minutes talking about stuff with my D. I said how it's great that she's doing pretend play now (she's on the autism spectrum), but that I'm never sure how to take part in the pretend play with her (I was never too good with it as a kid myself, and usually my friend led it).

T gave some suggestions, talking about how play therapy is done--"that was basically a 5-minute summary of play therapy." As part of that, he gave examples of ways I could jump in and follow her lead while also working some on social skills. Like I mentioned her doing pretend cooking camp (which she'd been in last week), acting as the instructor for a couple Lego figures. T said I could try to bring in a stuffed animal, and, in a voice like he was pretending to be the animal, said, "Bunny wants to eat, too!" And a couple other examples using that voice. It was quite endearing (hello, paternal transference, how have you been?).

I made some comment about how maybe it just seemed like I was rambling about her but that it was really helpful what he was saying and was stuff I could apply to my life right now. T: "Well, your D is probably the most important thing in your life right now." Me: "Good point." I didn't say this at the time, but think I just get in my head sometimes that therapy is supposed to be talking about stuff from the past and having these huge insights. So if I'm talking about current stuff, it seems like I'm not doing the real work. When in reality, I think it needs to be a mix of both.

With about 20 minutes left, T said, "I want to make sure we talk about next week." I said I was going to say that, too. He said he wanted to make sure I felt OK about the two appointments next week with R, because I'd expressed before that I felt bad for taking two sessions. I said I just didn't want to take too much time from other clients. T: "Like me, this is how she makes her living. If she wasn't OK with it, she wouldn't have offered it." Me: "That's what I'm telling myself. That I need to take her at her word." I said how he's helped me learn to do that more with people in general. Me: "But I feel that I've had a lot of people in my life who weren't honest with me about things, like if I did something that bothered them, they wouldn't tell me until later." T: "Well, that's on them then, not you. If you check in with them and they say everything's fine, you did all you could do."

I said something about trying to be what people wanted, because it feels like there would be less of a chance of abandonment. T: "But if you do that, then where's LT? If you're just trying to meet other people's expectations of you, where are you in all of that?" Me: "Hm...I guess I hadn't thought of it in quite that way..."

His vacation came up again. I mentioned how the first time he'd gone away (like 4 months into my seeing him), he was confused as to how I could miss him. He said how at the time, we hadn't known each other that long so he didn't understand why I would miss him. But later he realized that it wasn't so much about him but about his role to me. I said how now it isn't just about his role, but him in particular. He said how we've been seeing each other twice a week for close to a year and a half (and then once a week before that), so we know each other much better now.

Me: "I remember how once you said that I couldn't care about you because I didn't know you. Where I said how I don't know my neighbors well either, but care about them." T: "I think the only thing you don't know about me at this point is my full autobiography. You know who I am as therapist. You know my sense of humor. My particular way of turning a phrase." Me: "That you're a fashionable dresser." T (laughing): "OK, your comment just took it over the top." I was laughing, too. It was a nice little connected moment.

We scheduled for when he gets back. Me: "I was going to say that I'll try not to email you, but I think it's better if I just see what happens." T: "That's exactly what I was going to suggest."

I went over and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Enjoy!" followed by "Good luck." Me: "Thanks. I would say to have a good trip, but I guess I don't even know if you're going anywhere, so I guess I should just say to have a good vacation." I started crying. Like not just tearing up, full on crying. Me: "I need to go get a tissue." I walked over the tissue box and grabbed one, saying, "I'm sorry." T (caring voice): "It's OK, LT." I wiped my eyes and threw the tissue away. T: "I'm glad you were able to talk to me about all of your concerns." Me: "I'm glad you were so accepting of them." T (warmly): "Take care of yourself." Me: "You too."

I was feeling a bit sad when I left, but I also felt connected to him, which had been my goal. He didn't give me anything written, which I'd mentioned a week or two ago, then mentioned again Monday, so I assume he forgot. But I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want it to be awkward, and it really isn't *that* big of a deal. I guess I just sorta hoped he'd hand me something right before I left (I'd just asked for a sentence or two of encouragement, not like a novel). But it's OK. I have the (original) stone and backup T.