So until recently, I've been in therapy for about the past five years, seeing about 11 individual therapists and being in numerous groups (including inpatient/residential settings). As I talked about in another post ("This Is My Story, Harmed by Psychotherapy"), I was traumatized by one therapy experience. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced (I've been through severe anorexia and all the **** that comes with "Borderline Personality Disorder," along with several other diagnoses, and the trauma from this therapy experience beats all of that for me). I did EMDR therapy after that bad experience, and it helped me beyond belief. I am in such a better place now (not that it totally erased what happened; a bitter taste is still left in my mouth, but I'm not in near-constant agony every day like I once was... things are immensely better because of EMDR).

Anyway, the study of psychology has fascinated me since high school (AP Psych anyone?), and I ended up majoring in Psychology in college, so now I have a BS in Psychology. I want to go to grad school, but I'm conflicted because on one hand I truly find myself interested in different theories and I find myself reading about psychology for pleasure (and I generally hate reading, so...), but on the other hand, I know how much this profession/field/system has hurt me. And I know from reading others' posts on this forum that others have been harmed beyond belief by psychotherapy as well. Yet I also know it has helped many people, myself included. If/when I do go to grad school, it's likely going to be for a counseling program, a clinical psychology program, or a social work program... essentially something that would allow me to become licensed to practice as a mental health professional. But I'm scared... I don't want to hurt people. I would never do it intentionally of course, but I know what T8 did to me was not intentional either... yet she caused me so much harm. I was suicidal from unintentional harm by a therapist. I don't ever want to accidentally do that to someone, and being a mental health professional would give me that power I believe. Additionally, I just have a lot of more general ethical concerns with the field/system. I think the DSM-V is a mess, and I'm not sure about how I feel about being in a position where I may have to diagnose someone using this shitshow of a book just for insurance purposes. I don't even want to have to buy a copy of it for a grad school program. I don't want to support the APA. I don't want to be part of such a flawed system if it means that I am contributing to those flaws. I've seen several people post on these forums that they believe the system cannot be reformed from within. I want to believe that is not true but I just don't know. So I am left with these questions...

Is it possible to be a part of this field in a truly ethical way, and if so, what does that entail?

Which route would be best for me if I do decide to pursue this career (LMFT, LMHC, LPCC, psychologist, etc)?

If I keep my focus mainly on more holistic, trauma-informed therapies such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, etc... I have a big interest in somatic therapies... **** the CBT and all that jazz), would I be maintaining a more ethical practice (assuming other more obvious ethical practices are used)?

What if I went for a PhD or PsyD and focused more on research instead of actually practicing any kind of psychotherapy (although I know most programs would require that component as well)?

I am so interested in things like EMDR, somatic experiencing, neurofeedback, IFS, and the like after reading The Body Keeps the Score and after having a much more positive experience with EMDR. I wasn't ever a hugely academic person in high school, but now I find myself so immersed in literature about somatic therapies, trauma-informed therapies, things like Polyvagal Theory, developmental trauma, C-PTSD, etc... I have never been so passionate about something, and I would love to be a student again (never thought I would say that, but alas...). But I just want it to be ethical and I want to feel good about what I'm doing. So I'm looking for other people's input on this... what are your thoughts? Whether you are someone who has been harmed by psychotherapy, or you went to grad school for psychology and loved it, hated it, whatever... I'm interested in what you have to say. Is there a way to do this ethically? I hope so, because I really do want to formally study this and be able to apply it and help people. I just don't want to hurt people, even inadvertently. I do believe that psychotherapy can change a person's life for the better, but I also know that it can do the opposite. I want to be part of the former (changing people's lives for the better, if that's what they want), so I'm just wondering if this is the route for me to do that... Maybe there are other ways (I've considered things like movement therapy, equine therapy, etc... thoughts?).

Anyway, if anyone has any insights as to how I might follow this passion of mine while still feeling like I am not going against my values, I would love to hear what you have to say. I have looked into a few programs a little bit, and I'm leaning more towards places like Pacifica Graduate Institute, JFK University, California Institute of Integral Studies, Lesley University, Alliant University, and Antioch University (all private schools.. yikes on the wallet, but these are places that emphasize somatic studies). (I live in Los Angeles currently, but willing to relocate). So if anyone here happens to have experience with those by any chance, please also let me know about that experience. Or if you have any other programs that come to mind that you feel are ethical...

Other random facts, in case anyone wishes to comment on these or take them into consideration:

- Also have some interest in how trauma affects the body and can lead to things like autoimmune disorders... maybe there's a similar field I can go into regarding things like this?

- I don't see myself having a private practice. I think I would rather prefer to work in group settings, on a college campus as a counselor, or possibly in a residential setting? I know when I was in inpatient care, we had a psychodrama specialist therapist... that was cool. He was cool. Also had equine (I love horses and used to ride a bit), art, and music therapists... also interesting.

- Love Polyvagal theory and can see my future work (if I do go into the field) being heavily based around this theory.

Any input is welcome. Thanks in advance!