I often fantasize about being sexually abused by medical professionals, being restrained while the perform humiliating exams on me. These thoughts are what I return to over and over when I masturbate. Afterward I feel sick and ashamed often cutting or hitting myself with a hammer to punish myself for being turned on by something so sick. I can't go to the doctor because pelvic exams, pap smears, and breast exams all feel like I am being raped again and I end up half aroused and half enraged. I recently tried to commit suicide after needing a transvaginal ultrasound. And I punched a hole in a clinic wall after I had a colonoscopy. Currently, I am now sleeping in jeans, undergarments, tee shirts, socks and shoes. And yet the fantasies intrude and I inevitably give into them. Only to find myself throwing up and then cutting and cutting until the shame goes away.