Hi all,

I have a diag of C-PTSD, and recently have found myself fallen down a well into a sea of unconscious shame and sadness and fear...

My self-esteem has cracked beyond belief - I've been in therapy for 2.5 years and it's been going really well, but in the last two weeks I admitted myself to mental hospital, broke out twice, got formally admitted by law, requested and was approved to be discharged into a family member's care, but my heart feels...

Sad.

My face is sad. I like to smile; it cheers people up, including me, but I feel so sad.

Last night I had more flashbacks, and found myself in the water down the well. I almost had a panic attack, before realising I've spent more time down that well, diving into that sea (most of my life), than I have spent up on land, embracing life...

And that's a sad realisation, on top of already feeling sad; none of us should have to live down there...

So I've joined this forum, to be with people who might understand, and might be able to give a little reassurance...

Last night, in the process of flashbacks, and finding myself deep in the well, I envisioned something else; a series of boats, my friends, family, the mental health staff I met, all in "support boats", pulling me over to the banks, out of the water.

I have that awful "undeserving" feeling; like I don't deserve to feel better, like I'm unlovable... like my own love is poisonous...

I thought posting here would help me recognise I'm not alone in this kind of thing; and maybe that it can be healed. Cus maybe we can be each other's support boats or something; or, if like me, you've spent your life picking your own boat to pieces, splintered... maybe to be reminded that after all these years I'm a damn good swimmer in those deep conditions, and maybe learn some carpentry skills to help me piece my boat back together again so that I stop ending up in the water... (after all, there wasn't anything wrong with my boat, beyond my belief that my own boat caused the traumas I experienced, witnessed, and sadnesses and anxieties I caused others through it).

I read a post just now on the depression section about gratitude, and how helpful it can be, so... I feel grateful for the space to say this, grateful that I'm not actually alone (although I wish compassion and peace for all of us), grateful for the friends and family and other helpers who are still going for it - to pull me out, grateful for the health I have, and grateful for my capacity to see this as a moment in time, a drop in an ocean, not the final destination...

This latter one is scary; I get the 'tunnel vision' thing, and hone in on my hurts, and forget there's beauty and love and nurturance and kindness all around...

Sorry for the long post. Thank you all for being here...

I make a promise here to spend the next minute after posting smiling as best I can, even if it hurts, and I cry...

Trying to send love to you all, too
Thank you once more...