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Old Jul 30, 2019, 10:31 AM
jaymoq jaymoq is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 156
I am needing some insight and feedback regarding a communication conflict I am having with my partner. I think that if we can get to a common ground, we will stop this petty bickering and arguing over the littlest things. I would hate for this relationship to end because we communicate differently.

He is the type to avoid conflict. He doesn't like to talk things through, he believes in worrying about things as they go wrong, and generally keeping to himself and remaining independent. He will use terms like "that's my business" or "I want to be my own individual". He asks for space and time alone.

I tackle conflict head on and want to talk everything through. With my anxiety, I do have a habit of over-analyzing and trying to prevent things from going wrong. That "what-if" scenario. I am very much an affectionate, want-to-be-together person and 'clingy' at times. I do want to be my own individual, but I also want to be a unit, a partnership, a 'couple'. I take it personally when he wants to keep things from me and separate his life from our life.

I know I need to work on not reacting and becoming so upset and feeling rejected when he doesn't want me to be fully immersed in his life. I get he wants to be independent and have 'his' things. He grew up in a family that really had no accountability. Stay out til dark, just be in school the next day childhood. I grew up in a household where I wasn't even allowed to have a door on my bedroom because of how strict the supervision was.

I think that if we can meet in the middle, we would be able to work through these little arguments. They usually stem from him wanting to be alone, have 'me-time', keep to himself, etc. and me wanting to be with him, talk about something, do something. I am a go, do, act. He is a think, process, consider if action is warranted.

And of course, the more he pulls away, the more insecure I get and the more I want him to be with me. It's a cycle. I get that these are kind of tell-tale personalities for women and men. Men grow fond of their partner through absence and women grow fond of their partner through presence. Men are action-focused, women are talk-focused. If I can't talk something through, I feel frustrated. If we just 'stop' a discussion because he is frustrated, I feel like it never gets resolved. But he gets frustrated that we have to talk about everything. He also feels suffocated sometimes when I just won't let something go.

We are scheduled to see a couples counselor, which he agreed to. We are kind of both so stuck in our ways I wanted to get outside opinions and ideas. I'm also reading a few books on communication.

Can polar opposite communication styles work? I know I need to relax and let him come to me in his own time, but what if he never does? I get so caught up in the fact he'll spend hours in the house and won't even say a word to me. It hurts my feelings. It isn't personal. I know that. He's not a chatty Kathy like me. Lol. But, still, it hurts my feelings. Just like my questions for him and talking incessantly bothers him and frustrates him.

I turn to you, oh wise ones, for insight and advice. We are both willing to come to a compromise, but I think we're so deep in our habits we need some guidance.
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