Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin
Yeah, I agree, and also think that both my ex and my late father were narcissists in the sense you describe. My efforts to counter it now are just about staying away from such people in real life. My father's was complicated by the fact that he also had bipolar disorder, and was an alcoholic. I went no contact with him years ago when he started calling people who I had never met at my workplace named "Peter" since I wouldn't tell him the last name of my boyfriend at the time, but his 1st name was Peter. He threatened to do this numerous times, but I refused to give him the last name because of how he had interfered in a previous relationship of mine.
So I got emails from people named Peter at my workplace, whom I had never met, saying they had talked on the phone with my father for half an hour and I should call him because he is very worried about me...
But my father is dead now. He died a few weeks ago. I did say goodbye to him on the phone before he passed after many years of no contact after that last incidence of interference in my life.
Maybe you can give me an idea if you think that was instrumental aggression?
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I couldn't say for certain without knowing all the details, so take this with a grain of salt. If I had to guess, though, I'd say it was primarily driven by emotion, particularly insecurity, which itself drives a narcissist's desire for control. It seems that your father wanted validation from you, and he wasn't getting that when you were in a relationship with someone else (at least, not getting the amount of validation he thought he needed), so he tried to control your relationships.
Like I said, narcissists can be a bit tricky because they put on this guise of low-affect and pretend as if they don't care about the opinions of others, but it's an act they use to hide deep-seated insecurities. Consequently, their behavior can seem like instrumental aggression at first glance.
I'm not sure if this helps at all, but feel free to continue asking questions if it does.