I have to talk to my T tonight about my recent (10 days ago) SH. I had this sticky thought in my head that I had to and I couldn't get the thought out of my head. In fact we had discussed it at my last therapy session which was on July 6th. But this thought just stayed with me and stayed with me. I couldn't push it away. It became very important to me that I did this. IDK why it was, it just was. That's probably the "psychotic features" part of my depression. Now that I'm 10 days out, I'm very removed from it and I'm removed from the emotions of it. I can talk about it very factually now but I don't think I can draw back up the intensity and the emotions of whatever it was that was going on in my head that said, let's do this. On the other hand, I have been creating art again. I did a black and white one with lots of "x's" that I darkened in to make it look like bow ties, and thick black lines outlining the x's. And then I did one with a cross and a frame and then x's in the back that I turned into a stained glass window look with colored pencils. That one turned out really pretty actually. So I was able to get my artistic creative side going after I SH-ed. Something about drawing the x's I find very soothing, although I don't know why. I'm worried about talking to my T because I don't think she is going to understand if I can't explain it and I don't know how to explain it. I can talk about the mechanics of it, but as for why I did it, I really have no clue now. She says I have to pay attention to these things. I try. I maybe should have journaled or something around that time, it may have given me some insight. But I didn't and it's too late now. Does that make sense to anyone? How SH can be so important at the time and then later on, it's like, I don't even know why it was so important. I can't even describe what was going on besides things were building inside and that was the release.