Finally. I left feeling good and am not angry this morning. T told me that he didn't read any of my emails (He banned me from sending them earlier this year). I was actually glad because I felt horrible for what I had written.

We talked about how I can't stand it when others are angry at me and that this is why I couldn't stand it when he was. I feel like he really heard me yesterday, that he really understood. I told him that I thought I was projecting my feelings onto him -- my intense feelings of anger -- and that it felt like he was emotionally withdrawing.

I told him about how angry it makes me when I feel like I am being called selfish or self-centered. I said that all of my behavior is an attempt to rid myself of these awful feelings. I don't think I will ever be able to explain how it feels to a person who has never felt this way. However, I felt like he listened and tried to understand.

Now he is going on vacation and will be back Monday. My appointments were usually Tuesdays and Thursdays but I forgot to make appointments early (Uggghhhh). So, I only have one appointment next week and it's on Friday! How in the @#%# am I going to make it until then? I'm finally feeling better than I have been and if I am being "weaned" off T (which I'm not) isn't it supposed to be gradual? I felt totally understood except for this part. T did look at the schedule and told his secretary to call me if anyone cancels next Monday or Wednesday after 3:00. Plus, my appointments are on different days for the next month or so. Do I have to hold up a sign and beg, "WILL WORK FOR T."? This is so humiliating.