I am no longer me. I am not a nice person. Everyone hates me. They want me to be happy and sociable to acknowledge me. I am not sociable and I cannot help it. This is how I am. But in this world there is no place for people like me. Of course I can be whatever I want, but you don't get what you want. You have to fake. You have to be someone else. There is no place for everyone. Only for those who conform. Conform to the norm. To the majority who are normal sociable human beings.

Today I questioned myself if I am really a human. I don't feel like I am. I have a shape of a human, but from the inside I am not. My thoughts and my mental processes are not adapted to live in society. Change then, they say. They don't know anything about change. Change doesn't happen on will or wish. It's a complicated transformation.

Recently I asked my only two supervisors for letter of recommendations to apply for a job I am interested in, and both haven't replied to me. I KNOW they think I am lazy and not competent. One of them actually told me "this is what you get when you don't do well", talking about why I am struggling to find a job!! I wasn't feeling good and I was socially isolated, but how could an 18 months determine my whole professional career?!! This 18 months have ruined my life with a supervisor who undermined me all the time, even when I did well. Without a job my situation is 1000x worse. At least I was going and seeing people, even if I wasn't talking to them. Now I am COMPLETELY isolated, have no self-esteem, and with no accomplishments, and with 3 years employment gaps, how can I ever find a job? But this is my priority now. To get a job. And then I need to start building my life and start over.

My social problems are the cause of all of this, and my childhood abuse is the cause of my social problems. I will never forgive my father for his abuse and how he ruined my life. All his money means nothing to me. Sometimes, I feel I am revenging from him. He thought he could make us successful by abusing us. I want him to admit he was wrong and to apologize for his abuse and to stop treating me like a puppet. My siblings suffered from him, too, especially the older ones. Now they are married and have children and busy with their lives.

But me, I am still angry, bitter, and indignant. I keep repeating myself. Probably it's the OCD. People don't believe me when I talk about my childhood abuse. Because they didn't see how actually my life has been. The situation I am in is years of ignoring. Years of not solving the problems. Years of pretending everything is OK. Suddenly, everything has collapsed.

I am far away from home, and people there (my relatives) still think I am successful. They don't know I am unemployed. Alone and lonely. A loser. I am off social media because I don't want to talk to anyone lest they know I am a loser. I also don't want to see how others live their lives.

I felt a pain in my chest. It has been occurring a lot lately. I should stop writing. I feel very angry now and frustrated yet helpless and hopeless.