I realised something yesterday. Something that's probably causing my unworthiness, but for some reason it feels so difficult to deal with. I can hardly put it into words and I don't know how to start. I tried to write about it (journal) but I struggled with it.

When I was a child I was always wanting things and asking for things. My mum never gave in and always said "no". I was never allowed to have things. It seemed that other kids asked for something, a lollipop or something, and their mum would get them it. When it came to christmas and birthday, I got a few of the things I wanted but mostly not, it was mostly things I didn't ask for. Usually these things were too expensive but some weren't, but my mum would say "I'm not spending that". So I always felt unworthy of these things. Sometimes she would say "what do you want one of them for?" in the tone of voice that meant I shouldn't want it. So I felt like it was wrong to want those things. Even the money I got for christmas/birthday, she told me what I could and couldn't spend it on.

So then I started sixth form where they gave you some money each week for being there all week. Now I had my own money, and more of it. Of course my mum still tried to tell me what to buy and what not to buy, but because I didn't spend much of it, it built up and I had quite a lot. Eventually she stopped caring and I started buying what I wanted, well some things. Most things, like clothes, CD's, games, jewellery, make up etc, I could easily buy no problem. As long as I had enough money, I could go into the shop and buy them. Sometimes my mum was with me, sometimes she wasn't. Some of the things I bought she disapproved of and said "why did you buy that for?" etc, but I never cared. And she let it go too.

Up until then the obsessions, (which I wrote about in this thread: https://psychcentralforums.com/anxie...ng-stupid.html ) were easy things that I could get, or silly things I lost interest in after a few weeks. But at the end of sixth form I started a new obsession. This was an easy object that I could and should have been able to buy. But for some reason I couldn't. I wrote all about it in that thread I linked but basically, I got too nervous to even go near. I couldn't understand why. I tried loads of times, failing every time. Now that I had my own money, and could buy what I wanted, I still couldn't buy this thing.

I never understood it, and really, I still don't. But now I think it's related to my mum saying I can't have things. It got ingrained into my subconscious and stopped me from buying things, telling me I'm not allowed, I shouldn't want them etc. This is what I think anyway. Now, some obsessions I've managed to buy, or something similar, though I've always felt nervous about it, it didn't stop me. But, I've found I can't even talk about these things, or write about them, I feel too ashamed or something. I feel like, not only do I not deserve to have these things, I don't deserve to even talk about them or admit that I like/want them.

The current obsession is something I can't have anyway so I can never buy one. So I will never know if I'm capable of it, or if I'd get too nervous. But I can't even talk about them, can't bring myself to even mention them. Either talking or writing, I get too nervous. I feel guilty and ashamed and that I shouldn't like them or want one. And that first obsession was something I was definitely allowed to like, and should have been able to buy easily, no restrictions, and it didn't cost much either. There was nothing external stopping me (like there is with the current one) it was all inside. So I just know that if I was allowed to have this thing, I couldn't. I'd feel I don't deserve it. I can't really go and look at them either, don't have that choice, but if I did, I know I'd be too nervous.

Now that I know what it probably is, I need to figure out how to get rid of it. Just knowing about it hasn't helped (so far anyway). I need to undo this "programming" of feeling unworthy. I need to tell myself I'm just as "worthy" as anyone else. Even though I can't buy one of these things, I should be able to at least talk about them. And if any "side obsessions" come up, things that I could buy, then I need to decide if I do really want it, and if I do then go buy it (or at least look for it).

Really, I think the only way to fix this is to start thinking in a more positive way, that I am worthy. And if there's anything I need to buy, look at, do, say then I need to try to force myself to do it. Obviously I can't buy the current obsession thing, but I'm sure I could talk about them. But then that involves other people. If I could find some place that sells them, that I can actually get to, then I really need to force myself to look. Though there isn't really anywhere around here, where the bus goes past.

I can't even admit to the people I know, that I want one, or that I even like them. I feel terrible about it. Now I need to have a good think about what I can do about this. There has got to be something.