My Support Forums - View Single Post - Connection, warmth, conflict management skills..

eskielover · Aug 01, 2019 at 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

I think we are all capable of learning and growth. Assertiveness courses are available. I feel a too low right now to learn as my memory is shattered.

I watched an interesting video today. We are our natural selves until triggered. Then we resort at times of deep pain into out primal beings.

Much love to all

Deep pain usually means a threat to our well being & the mind at times like that is actually normal for it to go into "flight, fight, or freeze" mode to protect itself. That function is in (non-technical terms) the emotional mind. In that state, the (non-technical term) logical mind (frontal lobe) is shut down.

From personal experience, we can learn how to connect from good experiences & learning what it feels like little bit at a time until we can actually recognize it. I actually started that with my dog Leo in my mid 50's. It hit me one day that wow, this is what love & emotionally connecting feels like. As I got to know more people in my community there were some I experienced that same feeling with. Yep..I compared it to what I felt with my soul mate dog.

As far as warmth goes. I kinda sense (with me at least) that is was something hidden deep inside of me. I could care & help people & to them it must have looked like warmth. It wasn't until connection actually started to happen & I recognized it that the warmth that had been hidden away really started coming out.

Growing up I always sensed there were more to other people's relationships than I was experiencing at home or in my marriage but until I was able to get away from the dysfunction that had surrounded me for 54 years of my life & start experiencing something different I could never experience it myself.

As for conflict management skills my best learning experience was (& still is) the DBT section on skills for Interpersonal Effectiveness. Actually put into practice several times & it helped me get through the encounter last year after 11 years away from my not yet EX -H (he is now) when I had to deal with him on a court issue regarding marriage assets. Any time I got near him before I left him my anger would get so bad I would literally see red. Last summer those skills put me in control.

Yes.....we can ALWAYS learn & grow to our dying day & it is truly an amazing experience especially when looking back to realize just how much we have learned.