I was doing fairly well all day until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn't say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (my dad, politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow. I asked him if he'd give us some handyman advice. [He's much more talented at that than my husband.] So then I realized I had to buy some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. And of course I wanted to make a dessert, too. I had in mind what would be fairly easy and remembered he liked a particular espresso cake. So I set out for the grocery store. That did it.

As I wrote the other day, just as there is road rage, people in the grocery stores near me have "cart rage", including me, I'm afraid. There is never enough room in the aisles. They put stuff in the way, and people have a tendency to park their carts right smack in the middle of the aisles or on the side, while they stand blocking the other side. Well today there was a group of three people talking to each other, moving down the aisle at a snail's pace. I tried to be patient, but then it was too much. I said "Excuse me", but nothing. I said it even louder, and nothing. So when one of the jerks moved slightly over (probably not even to be nice), I rammed past him, making a real spectacle so that they knew I was annoyed by them. I know, I should have just turned around and walked my cart alllllllll the way around the other side and up...but I didn't. This whole scenario is not uncommon for people at the store, at all.

So on my way home in the car, I was fuming mad. Does anyone ever have fantasies about beating people up or having major league verbal fights with others? I get so worked up that I start yelling out loud what I'm fantasizing in my head. Of course in my angry fantasies I have a tenth degree black-belt in karate and/or am a major force to be reckoned with and/or grab anything nearby as my weapon (like a can of tomatoes). If I'm challenged, I roar the famous line "MAKE MY DAY!!!" with the fearsome look of a devil. Sometimes what's going on even shows itself physically or verbally in real life, such as clenching of my teeth, movements of my arms, anger on my face, and isolated growled words or phrases. Don't get me wrong, I have never fought with anyone physically in that way, but it races through my head. I wrote in another post, that when very manic, I have been violent, but towards things (or myself). Not others.

I got two root canals last Christmas. Both were in my front teeth. The endodontist said my teeth were as worn as that of an elderly person, even though I'm still in my 40s. The problem is my teeth clenching and grinding that happens on and off when experiencing high stress and irritability of various sorts. Way too frequently! I literally chip and wear my teeth down. Just this morning, I looked at my front two teeth in the mirror and they seemed even more worn down than I remember. On my way home from the store a bit ago, my teeth were hurting because of clenching.I believe that my clenching has even caused my teeth to shift to varying degrees.

As I walked with several bags of groceries through the garage, I knocked down a big box. It made a crashing noise landing upside down near my foot. Inside was a broken circular saw. Honestly! Then, of course, there were several boxes on the front porch. All my husband's purchases. I did expect one he ordered, but then the other two I had no clue about. One weighed a ton and had a label on the outside that read "Colder than ice". Of course I opened it up thinking that its contents could melt. Inside are about 30 or 40 unfrozen ice packs. Yes, that many! I had noticed that his ice packs were getting old and dirty, but why does he need to buy enough for 20 people's lunches?!?! He doesn't even have bipolar disorder -- believe me -- and yet the man is the hyperspender of the house, to my extreme frugality.

So...anyone who has read all of this, I'm sorry I put you through it. I just had to get it out.

P.S. I finally took a PRN Seroquel, a few minutes ago, after days of thinking that I should, but didn't. It really pisses me off! I was hoping that when I see my psychiatrist next week, that he could lower my base Seroquel XR. Instead, he's likely going to keep it the same, or make some kind of increase (Seroquel or Latuda, I assume).