This is very long, I'm very sorry.
How does one find closure with another person when the other person refuses to speak? Since February I have been living with family. Shortly after being released from the hospital for a particularly nasty pulmonary embolism things simply went tits up. My new husband didnt really want to visit me at the hospital. He wasn't staying at home either, but instead with a friend and her family.
To be honest we had been at odds a bit before I fell Ill but I will go into that later. He refused to pick me up from the hospital. He didn't come home. The last thing I ever heard him say in person was that he hated being in the house we shared. For two weeks while I recovered it was complete radio silence from him. It was okay. Even before I had gotten sick he wasnt home much. I was okay with waiting.
Then finally I receive a text. He demanded a divorce, stated that he was afraid with my health and mental health issues that I would wind up dead one day and he would be blamed. He stated he did not feel safe talking over the phone or in person and would only talk by text if necessary to tie up loose ends and finalize a divorce. He gave me a few weeks to move out, and gave me the car he bought for me a few years prior.
I really didnt have anywhere else to go. My entire life was packed into a Jetta. In the weeks and months that followed both he and my adult daughter have severed ties with me. The house that was our home remains vacant but I am not allowed anywhere near it. Here's the clincher: I was never violent, I was never unfaithful, I always forgave, and always tried my very hardest. I rode through his drinking, wartime PTSD, bouts of depression, and his frequent absences.
He gave a myriad of reasons why he left: I was unpleasant, lazy, I argued too often, I did not respect him and he deserved better. For months I have turned these things over in my head wondering how I can fix these flaws in myself. The more I think on them, the less I see them.
Of course here I go with manic brain, butt *** early in the morning just trying to make sense of something now long dead and unchangeable. Between the many clotting events that have damaged my heart lungs and brain, I am on enough psych meds to make me pretty foggy usually. At moments like this when I can actually remember what was said and what was done I can see things I missed before.
My husband had always wanted a family of his own. He had tried and failed twice before me. My daughter was an older teen at this time, and he tried as hard as he could to fill the dad role her deceased father left behind. She never could give in. We became pretty close with a friend, her husband and their family of 3 kids. Those kids worship the ground my husband walks on. They love and respect him deeply. Our friends have some land in disrepair and periodically suffer some financial difficulty. My husband found an outlet for his hero complex in them and spent more and more time away from home.
It was fine for me. My husband was happy, they were happy, and we were a pretty solid unit. Then my husband began to make remarks about how it wasnt as enjoyable with me there, I "changed the vibe". He then casually dropped a remark or two about how i had offended them. My absolute worst fear is being offensive to someone, so i stopped visiting and he went alone. Before long every moment he had away from work was spent there. If he was home, his entire conversations were taken over by this family, what they said, what they did, what he wanted to do for them.
I struggled to keep our home in repair while all of the extra money and his time went to this other family. Eventually, as I sometimes do, I fell I to a bit of a depressive spot. I still did everything a good wife should do, but sometimes I said something biting. My feelings were hurt and my better judgement was getting harder to hold onto. I wanted him to know I was unhappy with feeling left behind, but I'm an idiot with **** communication skills i guess. Instead i argued because at least negative attention was better than ignored. It was never violent, no name calling except for the one time I called him a coward.
Anyways, as luck would have it those last few days when I was feeling especially pained and surly I was in fact making a home for a blood clot in my lung. I always hurt physically, it's a daily thing, but man this hurt. All I wanted was for my husband to be with me because I was kinda scared. He wouldnt do it.
So to finish the long diatribe up he made the decisions for me. He gave me no real explanation and no choices. There was no talking it out like people and deciding to go our separate ways amicably. He decided it was over and I had to leave my home and my life behind, and I couldn't say or do anything about it.
Right now I find myself seeking closure. How do I make this "okay" and move past it? I'm not angry, just really hurt and it seems as each day passes it doesn't get better. I look at my future: too sick to work, in too much physical pain to do much else. I will never have the ability to make a home like the one I once had, or have the family I had. My head is tied in knots, full of spiders, and each day is a struggle.
I work a manual labor job that is too difficult for me. The lithium makes me sick in this heat, and my lungs constantly struggle for enough air. I have to work to afford my care. He cancelled my health insurance last month and the local community health clinic here denied me services because I am considered "terminal". This is likely the life I will have until it is done.
I tried to find the silver lining: I can now go anywhere I want, live somehwere that gets really cold, but it seems even that is dashed. My mind is going. Most days I am not this cognizant by a long shot. (Maybe that's why this is so very long, getting it out before the door shuts again). I am now heavily dependant on my sister to help me keep up with my care. I can't live alone, I will slip, stop taking my heart meds and my bloodthinners. I will wake up one day and decide to spend my very last dime on something that seemed like a great idea at the time, or I will get in my car and drive for hours until I am a state over, lost, and wondering how I got there.

I just wish i could go back home. I know I'm fading out, i just wish i could be with my own family to do it. I don't want to die like this, like a perpetual guest in a house that I can't seem to make home, lost and confused with no one I can touch when I roll over in the morning. I wouldn't wish this end on my worst enemy. I just wish I knew how to make this okay, and find some sort of closure so I can move on. I dont know how many years I have left.