Tired of being no one. Tired of being alone and lonely all the time. Tired of being laughed at because I am a loser. Tired of being dependent financially and emotionally on others. Tired of being worthless. Tired of being weak. Tired of being immature. Tired of being the guy who doesn't want to upset people.

I have tried everything. Read self-help books. Visited a psychiatrist who treated me like a medication experiment and saw me 10 mins every 2-3 months by changing the dose or the medication. Reached out to the people I know, not necessarily for help of any kind, but just to go out and have fun, but no one wanted to have anything to do with me. Went to general social meetups groups which resulted in more pain and loneliness than before.

Apparently, I cannot be helped and I don't deserve to be acknowledged by anyone. The reason? Because I have nothing to offer. When I had something to offer, people were calling me. I was helping a student in his PhD dissertation, and going to his office to explain to him things, but when he got a job, he stopped responding to my messages. I helped another person financially who reached out to me when he first came to the city I live in. Now he doesn't recognize me, and when he got a job I sent him a message to congratulate him, but didn't reply, because "he thought he shouldn't reply" He has never checked how I am doing, and he knows I am struggling to find a job, while I keep messaging him like an idiot asking about him, hoping he would change and initiate a talk or suggest to go out one day!! But this is how people are: self-absorbed. How should I react to this reality? To be depressed? Angry? apathetic? frustrated?

There is only one thing that set my peers from me: sociability!! But this only difference has made all the difference in the world. I am not a bad or a rude person, but I am not sociable, and I specially don't make good first impressions. But this how people make judgment about you: how you look (your facial features), if you are confident, if you are funny, if you make good first impressions ...