I think I might have some trauma left over from my 15+ hospitalizations over the past 5 years. I've been having flashbacks when I get my blood drawn for clozapine. Same thing happened when I visited a seniors' assisted living facility. The smells and environment there brought me back to the hospital.

I only very closely avoided hospitalization in June/July, and I'm so grateful for that. The loss of autonomy during previous stays has been traumatic for me and I'm only now realizing how much.

It's complicated, though, because in a way I appreciated the hospital for keeping me safe. I went in when my SI was very dangerous. During those times it was a relief to have decisions - such as whether to live or die - taken out of my hands. I'm ambivalent.

Anyone here relate?