Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton
Now this isn't one of those looking for support things.. I know it, people don't really like me. They aren't loyal to me.
A few years ago I joined my condo's board. I was with two other women, I thought they would like me but, they definitely didn't. Once I got off they stopped talking to me. One of those ladies is well known for being horrible and a pain. And she has driven many people off the board, but, those same people STILL talk to her. But, not me.
I got back on the Board because of one of the worst members of all time. This member is just horrible. He is rude, he lies, he patronizes women, he says no to every maintenance request. 2 others got on the board in direct response to him but, they both had zero loyalty to me. In fact, one of them, a woman no less, is now his BFF and loyal to him.
With 5 members I am basically all alone. I thought it would be a good way to make friends in the condo but I have only alienated all of them.
I don't really even know how. I respond quickly, I am never rude or put anyone down. While "the idiot" as I like to call him is always rude, wrong, patronizing and bullying. He even lies about the residents but they all love him.
I have complained about this before at work as well, my co workers are not "LOYAL" to me. I have many co workers who I get along with and sometimes if not one else is around they will do stuff with me but I am not the #1. If their #1 shows up, which is typically anyone but me... they will go with them first.
I have been thinking about it and I don't have much of a relationship history. Many guys just have been super luke warm toward me. I think now that some of this goes into it. To have a relationship they guy has to really really like you. But no one every really really likes me. I am never the #1 choice of anyone for anything...
I think I want to change it...
My guesses:
1. I am boring. I don't head off to Europe or buy new cars or have a significant other. These things seem like catnip to everyone else... but I don't want them.
2. I am honest and accurate. People like to gossip. They like to lie and say "yah" and when someone doesn't tell the truth, I like to correct them and find out the truth. People don't like that.
3. I like to get back to people and not make them wait. And, I think other people don't like that and also, take it for granted.
4. I inadvertently show people up. I don't do anything at all unless I do it right and quickly. I research things before I ever present it. Other people don't do that because they are off on their trips to Europe. So, when I shine, they resent it.
5. I hate pretense. If I am not happy with you I don't lie to your face like a psychopath. But some people do, and people can't see through their lies.
6. Sort of related to 5... I am not an extrovert. Often the crazies will go right up to residents and chat with them... I don't like to do that. But it seems people respond to talking in person.
7. ETA.. I never give anyone reason to worry about me. I am never in trouble at work, never have issues at home, never get sick... no one ever had to feel bad for me or worry about me.
Some of those things I don't want to change but I am starting to feel like if I don't I will end up all alone eaten by my cat when I pass.
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I think you do have a forthrightness that is probably off-putting to a lot of people. People like to be coddled for their mistakes and shortcomings; they don't like someone who shows them up just because they intend to do a good job. I don't think it's so much extroversion that is the problem, but taking the time to connect to people.
None of the things you list above about yourself is inherently a problem EXCEPT that you seem to think it's keeping you from having the kind of relationships you want. So for this to change, the only thing you can do is change your approach to it. And really, regardless of it being about other people or you, the only thing you can control is you, so that's the only way you can affect the outcome.
Here is some speculation, not knowing all the details, in my attempt to help. Please forgive me/ignore my comment if it's way off base.
Even though the things you mentioned don't actually bother me (I sort of feel like IRL we'd be friends) it sounds like the way you interact with people needs to change. It does sound like people are maybe alienated by whatever you're putting off. I wouldn't suggest changing things like being direct or telling the truth, or giving the 150% on everything that you give, but is there a way you can be less judgmental that they have different values?
Also, are these the only two places where this is occurring? Have you tried to make friends in groups of places that would actually inherently have things in common with you? The thing about work is that you are coworkers, not friends. And you are all forced by way of employment to be in the same space, so you may not actually have anything in common or any emotional/extracurricular connection. Same goes with the condo board. You may have nothing in common with your neighbors. But that could be the place to start if you do want friends in those places. It doesn't have to be world travel or kids or boyfriends that you have in common. It could be something as simple as a TV show.
The other suggestion would be to make friends by going to group meetups or events where people who would naturally have things in common with you, versus an environment that's set up based on different relational parameters.