Made a breakthrough with this last night! I had been thinking and thinking, and couldn't come up with anything and then, out of nowhere it just hit me.

I remembered this incident from when I was about 17 or 18. It was someones birthday or something, and there was some other people there. My ego and it's need to show off thought of something "clever" to say about the obsession I had at the time. So I just blurted it out, and it was something really stupid and I got told off. I felt so stupid and embarrassed, because I knew I shouldn't have said that and had no idea why I did (at the time, now I know it's the ego having to show off and get attention). I think I ruminated on this for a few days, maybe even weeks.

Now the first problematic obsession started when I was 18, so it wasn't long after this incident, so it fits. And I remember before that incident, when I had an obsession, I'd find any chance to talk about it, bring it into a conversation. And sometimes afterwards it felt foolish but not that bad, but nobody else complained, they just ignored me. But this time I made a right fool of myself, and said something I shouldn't have in front of everyone. My mum told me off about it, and it wasn't until afterwards that I realised how stupid and wrong it was.

Back then I seemed to be completely possessed by my ego, but I didn't know anything about ego back then, so I thought it was just "me". This time I was so ashamed of myself, that I must have subconsciously put some sort of mental block on obsessions. This went too far the other way. When a new obsession started and it was something that I should have been able to buy, obviously there was no way I could talk about it to anyone, not allowed, would just make a fool of myself, get told off. And then when I went to buy one, I couldn't even go into the shop to look at them. Something stopped me, like I wasn't allowed to have one. I felt ashamed or guilty, felt like I shouldn't be doing it.

And the same thing has happened with other obsessions since. Some things I have bought, but I can't force myself to even mention them to anyone else. I can't even mention these things if they come up in a conversation, like they are a forbidden subject. The current obsession, nobody knows about, and I want to keep it that way. So even if someone asks something and it's one of those, I can't say it, I have to lie and say I don't know. I can't bring the subject up, because it feels wrong.

But why is this still bothering me? I've detached myself from the control of my ego, I know longer try to show off or get attention. If I mentioned this thing, it would be the same as talking about anything else. Nobody knows it's an obsession and I have no interest in showing off. It would only be mentioned in context to whatever others are saying. But I just can't bring myself to even let anyone know I even acknowledge the existence of this thing.

So I've gone from one extreme to the other. From obsessing to trying to deny my obsession even to myself. If I went to look at them, nobody else has to know, including my mum. I would be alone, I could do what I want but it seems like I'm scared of myself. I don't even know what that means. What exactly am I scared of? What do I think will happen if I go to look at them? Why do I try to tell myself I'm not interested in them, when I know myself that I am? It's impossible to lie to yourself because you know. So this is just a big waste of energy and worrying about nothing.

But now I realise that forcing myself to go look at them wouldn't fix this problem. It might help with this particular object. But then this obsession would end, a new one start, and I'd have the same problem. I know this because I did it with the last obsession. After almost 4 years of it, I decided to go into a shop and look at them, though I knew I couldn't buy one, I could look. It took a while to pluck up the courage to do that, but I think I was starting to lose interest a bit by that point anyway. I went in, looked, there wasn't many there anyway and then I left. About a month later the obsession ended and was replaced with the current one and now I have the same problem. I have to deal with the underlying cause, because after all, these obsession objects are nothing but themes, they don't matter.

So now I know what it is, I need to break it down somehow. The main emotion here seems to be some sort of guilt/shame/embarrassment, and this comes out as a fear. I'm not sure if fear is really the right word but it's near enough. I need to meditate on this but I'll be out tomorrow and thursday, and will be busy the rest of today. I feel like this is more important, since it's been holding me back for 20 years. It would be a huge relief to break it down and be free of it. But I'll have to work on it whenever I get the chance.