I don't understand what constitutes a need for a trigger warning but I do make a brief mention of SI so I guess this is the warning.

It would be silly to say I am new to this whole bipolar thing as I've always been like this. I've just never realized that the way I have always been isn't the way everyone else is. Since my diagnosis a few months back I've been learning how to finally put a name to the various episodes that disrupt my daily life. This one, however, has me stumped and frankly pretty freaked out.
I have been full go for about 11 days now. Usually these manic episodes consist of untouchable glee and a sense of invincibility. This time I am all over the place. I become fixated on some thought that sends me into depression, but instead of lying still and quiet as I usually do I can't sit still.
I just finished a 6 day house sitting gig for my boss. On a regular day I come into the warehouse behind her house and work about 6 hours. Being there all day and night I began to work organizing every single product in the place. Each day I would wake at 4:30 or so in the morning, sorting and cleaning until midnight without stopping except to grab the rare snack (and of course drink water and pee. I think that's what lithium is best for) Only by the grace of Ativan and Nyquil could I get a couple hours of sleep.
My body can't handle this. I'm in pretty poor health as it is (but unfortunately being in poor health is terribly expensive), yet I move until I physically can't. I had to work barefoot because I could no longer wedge my swollen feet into shoes. When my body finally gave out for the day I would sit and crawl until nausea became too much to handle.
My thoughts race, but instead of those happy untouchable thoughts they are the not so friendly ones about feeling useless, bemoaning my declining health, or the current stressors. I have all the thoughts about why I shouldn't even bother anymore, a dying person is just a burden anyway, but none of the common sense that tells me not to act on these thoughts.
Wedged into this veritable briar patch of adrenaline fuelled negativity are snippets of racing thoughts. The head radio is especially loud right now. The peripheral shadows are moving around a lot more, and someone keeps yelling angrily at me but I cant make out what is said. I find myself speaking aloud bits of phrases I remember from books or song lyrics as my head recites them to me. I regret now that before the heart attacks I had a nearly eidetic memory.
The world is like it is when I am overstimulated, too loud, too bright, too much, but I can't hide and refuse to leave my home until it becomes quieter either. I finally set up my own bank account a week ago. It was embarrassing explaining to the lady setting up my account that I have had three different last names, that my first marriage ended in death and my second ended 3 weeks after it began. I keep thinking about that, replaying that conversation wishing i had just lied. I have this weird sense of justice that keeps me far too honest for anyone to feel comfortable around me.
I want this, whatever it is to stop. Its agonizing. My body hurts, my chest is heavy, and I feel like my head is full of spiders. I have felt like this before, years ago, but I don't remember how it ended. I have trouble remembering anything on command anymore. I can't seem to follow conversations well right now either. I only keep a couple friends these days and I tried to call one earlier today (yesterday?) but I couldn't follow so I gave up. Luckily this friend is incredibly forgiving.
Maybe I just need quality sleep. That sort of thing has been in very short supply. I emailed my head doctor finally and I am supposed to see her in a few days. I think she is unhappy with me waiting so long to come in but I simply cannot financially afford to miss any work this month.
So I guess I should get to the point: what is this? Why on earth am I doing this, and how do I make it stop? I feel so out of control, and it is becoming pretty scary. I know right now I am safe from myself, but I don't feel safe from anything else.