I don’t really know what’s going on with me. For the last year maybe I’ve gotten more and more emotional to the point where if anyone says something that makes me nervous or mildly upsets me I just start tearing up. I don’t even know why. Sometimes it’s something as simple and unproblematic as my boyfriend not kissing me goodbye before I leave to go back home. I know for sure I’ve had anxiety/ panic attacks before but I’m not sure which one it is. I remember the first time was 2 years ago I was left home alone at night and it sounded like there was someone in my backyard so I freaked out and I was sitting on the stairs unable to breathe, shaking, crying, and felt kind of numb. I’m not sure how long I sat there like that until my mom came home. I didn’t feel that again until a year later when all of my teachers were stressing the importance of having to know everything about what I’m going to do with my life at 17. It stressed me out so much to where when I had a project over college I had to excuse myself every day and had the same thing that happened on the stairs in a bathroom stall. It happens every time I’m in a situation I’m uncomfortable with or scared of. But I’m too nice of a person to let it keep me from doing things other people want to do. My boyfriend is my best friend and over the past few months all my friends showed their true colors that they’re stuck up so he’s the only person I really have right now while I’m still trying to make new better friendships. He loves thrills but I’m terrified of heights so for our one year anniversary he suggested an amusement park and roller coasters and I said sure hoping I would still have a good time. I had a panic attack right after they strapped me in and I had my face in his shoulder the entire time. Didn’t look up once. I caused a scene too. Then we went to Hawaii a month ago and we hiked on the side of a cliff and I managed to stay calm for most of the 8 miles (4 miles each way) except for two times when I slipped on mud and felt like I was going to fall. I had to stop and try to breathe (I failed) and I ended up having 2 panic attacks or anxiety attacks or whatever it is. I’ve been thinking about those two experiences for the past hour and a half and it’s 2:30 am where I live and I have to wake up at 6 but I just keep thinking about that and how horrible I feel for ruining those days with my issues. My mom is very skeptical when I tell her I think I have anxiety or something. I don’t have health insurance because my dad was supposed to be in charge of that but he “didn’t think I needed it” and I stopped talking to him a year ago after 17 years of emotional abuse. My mom can’t afford to add me to her insurance or get me my own and going to a doctor will be a lot of money out of pocket so I don’t really know what my options are but I figured it might be a good idea to ask on here first to see what others think? If you made it through all of that thank you, I’d love your opinion. IM SORRY ABOUT THE NOVEL.