Saw T for the first time in three weeks last Friday, he'd been gone on vacation.

At first I almost had as much energy as a little kid who's excited and had a stupid grin because I was so happy to see him.
We briefly discussed my job, which has been going okay. Then mentioned that my partner has stopped going to therapy (he has Asperger's syndrome), T wondered what partner thought about not seeing his therapist anymore (it was kind of sudden, she's moving or something). I told him he doesn't care a whole lot and T pointed out how that was very different to what my reaction would be if he were to move.

Then went into more detail of the weeks when he'd been gone. A professor I know got fired and it was all over the news. Since it was connected to bullying, which had given me some intrusive memories.
He asked about Wednesday, whether I had felt like calling him (as I often do). I answered that I'd been doing okay and felt like I could go two more days without hearing from him.

Talked some more about what I'd been up to, met some friends, went to the cinema.

At some point I went quiet, he asked what I was thinking about.
I decided to tell him that I've been wanting to discuss a certain 'fantasy' I have while going to sleep for a while now. It involves . He said that's maybe important to talk about. He asked what his role was in that fantasy. I told him he talks to me, sees that nobody disturbs me, protects me. He understands.

He asked whether it's not also important for him to say that I shouldn't do it, whether that wouldn't be a good thing? I replied that I already know that and don't need somebody to tell me. He said it's still important to hear it over and over again. He mentioned how it could get infected, leave scars. Then he asked what else there is that's not just something that every doctor on Earth should tell me.

I said he should have empathy and ask why it happened. T wanted to know whether he'd not done that to a sufficient degree in the past. At first I said I couldn't remember, but after some discussion we agreed that he probably hadn't.
We also discussed the fact that people probably feel more inclined to say something about self-harm than about for example smoking. Smoking might hurt you in a similar way, but it's accepted by society, so people don't feel they can tell you to stop doing it.

I told him the topic made me sad. He suggested that we change the subject, but I said no. So, he asked what made me uncomfortable about it, which was that I felt like I can't be myself completely sometimes. I have to think about what I wear, especially when I meet my parents. T told me it's okay to have secrets and to not tell everything to everyone, especially your parents.

He also told me about a nurse he used to work with who had lots of scars and didn't hide them, even though it was obvious what they were. I reminded him that I do normally wear whatever I want, even though I'm uncomfortable with it, for example I'll try to not put my legs in any position where scars are too well visible. T asked what I'd do if a friend saw and asked what it was, so I told him about one occasion where somebody had asked me whether I'd cut myself as a joke. T suggested that I could just say yes to such a question, depending on who asked. Of course not with everyone, but if it's a person I feel comfortable with.

I cried a lot. At some point T asked whether I wanted a tissue and got up to get one.
I apologized for constantly forgetting to bring tissue myself, probably a habit from childhood, I never cried with tissues as a child. T said that everything gets wet if you do that, in a rather sad voice. He asked for the reason. I used to not want my parents to notice anything about how I was doing, especially not if I was crying. T already knows this, but still asked his usual question of what would have happened had I shown emotions around my parents, which I still do not know, due to the lack of experience. We briefly touched on one occasion where I'd cried in front of my parents, when one of my pets died, and how my mom and dad barely even seemed sad.

T let me calm down a bit before telling me his availability during the week and saying goodbye.