That's what I am trying to do. The problem is, he is in my life, and I am always triggered and think that at any moment he will mistreat me and verbally abuse me again. I don't know how to deal with him. I confronted him a couple of times and made a scene, but he didn't/hasn't changed towards me. If I take his abuse I feel depressed. I feel guilty when I think I need to drop him altogether from my life because he has helped me financially when I needed help. But eventually, all of this unemployment and social isolation situation I am in are traced back to my childhood.

I have never had friends or romantic relationships. I wasn't allowed to play. I wasn't allowed to go out. When I spoke spontaneously I was criticized. All I was allowed to do is to study ... study ... study. He would sit down with me to make me study and his belt on the table, and God forbid if I answered wrongly or even yawned. He didn't spare it on me until I was 16 or 17 years old. He once yelled at me in the Church in front of all the people on Easter, and I was 28 or 29 at the time!! I remember all his abuse since I was as little as 5 or 6 years old. He doesn't respect me at all. "You don't know what's good for you" he keeps telling me. Every time I think about my current situation or when I fail, my thoughts go back to the past. I cannot help it.

These days these thoughts are very dominant because of the lack of distractions, and the lack of anything going on in my life. I ride my bike sometimes, but even when I am riding I will be thinking about the past and my current situation. I sometimes "dissociate" while riding the bike, and become unaware of what is going on around me. Obviously it's dangerous. I am trying. But it's not easy.

Now because I am a failure, he thinks it's because of me, and me only. I am sure if I at any point I find a job and be happy, he will say it is because of him, and because of his abuse that made me happy now, even if it was painful at the time!! He told me this: "you will thank me later" for his abuse!! If he would admit he was wrong and he actually mistreated me out of ignorance, many things would change. But he thinks he was/is right all the way. He has never apologized for for any of his abuse. He would physically hit me and make me cry, and then ask me to apologize for him because I upset him!!